Second Episodes Are for Losers

It's August 26th and the Gizmondo is still not out, my name is Cyril Lachel and you must be listening to Radio Free Gaming! On today's show we have a major announcement from one of the biggest game companies in the world, we talk to a guy camping in line at Electronics Boutique to be the first to buy the Xbox 360, we read more viewer mail, we fist fight over NARC, and try to figure out just what G4 is doing sponsoring our broadcast. All this and more on the second episode of Radio Free Gaming!

Hello, my name is Cyril Lachel and you ARE listening to Radio Free Gaming, the show dedicated specifically to running Defunct Games into the ground with mediocre interviews and low budget production values. Obviously you came for the free doughnuts and coffee. All joking aside I'm told we have a packed show and a major announcement right up front ...

Apparently the news opener I was so fond of last week did not test well with the audience. According to management we won't be reading the news this week, but instead spending a little extra time with a new segment called Business Card Patrol. Wait, Business Card Patrol? They're replacing my news section with somebody talking about Business Cards?!? You've got to be kidding me!!

I know the news was a little dull last week, I'm the first person that will tell you that, but why not just replace me with the sound of grass growing or an hour of the ambience of bowling? This is just ridiculous guys, a real mistake. Anyway ... instead of jumping to the news I'm supposed to introduce our newest sponsor, G4, TV for Gamers. Wait ... didn't we make fun of G4 last week in the news section? Is this retaliation, should I be worried about my job, guys? Anybody? Seriously.

Well ... we have a great show lined up for you today; we have a new batch of viewer mail to respond to, my audio notes for NARC, a major spoiler alert, and a phone call with a guy camping for the Xbox 360, all coming up after this short message from G4. I can't believe I just said that ...

It's a week of exciting shows on G4, TV for Gamers! Tune in and watch MTV's Bill Bellamy and 90210's Tiffani Thissen as they team up to take down the bad guys in Fastlane, a cop drama with attitude. Then stay tuned for Formula D, the first series to showcase the competitive, high-speed motor sport of drifting. We follow that up with Street Fury, featuring the cars you want and the girls you can't have! Tune in this weekend for a full marathon of Anime Unleashed, all on the only channel for Gamers, G4!

Hey, welcome back to Radio Free Gaming. We have a first time guest on the show today, somebody we've been trying to get for the last few weeks. We welcome David Gore to our studios, a freelance writer who has a blog that spoils many of today's biggest games. Thanks for coming down to the studio David, we're glad to have you.

Hey, thanks for having me Cyril. Sorry I couldn't get here last week, just couldn't fit it into my schedule.

Well, if you don't mind telling our audience what you were doing, I believe you were out of town getting the scoop on one of the biggest events of the year.

You caught me, yeah I was up at Microsoft's little gather getting the inside scoop on their Xbox 360.

Of course, I heard a few reports from that last week. Is there any inside information you can bring Radio Free Gaming? Perhaps something nobody else knows?

Oh Cyril, can I ever! I was pulled away by a Microsoft staffer early on and given a list of the official prices of the Xbox 360! You heard me right, Cyril, prices. Plural. Get this, there's going to be a $300 model and a $400 model, all coming out on the same day. Is that wild or what?

Well, it's (pause) kind of old news. I'm pretty sure just about everybody knows this information by now. They made a big announcement and everything. Do you have anything new to add to this news?

Did you know the hard drive was going to be a hundred bucks?

Yeah, it was pretty big news a week ago.

Well that's just great. Just my kind of luck!

Well, let's talk about Conker. You had the spoiler for Live & Reloaded several months before the game actually came out. A complete description, nearly down the exact camera angles and dialog. Can you let us in on how you were able to get such a big scoop so early?

That's actually one of the stories we're the most proud of, we had that on our page months before GameSpot and IGN got around to reviewing it. Getting the ending was actually kind of tough, I had to think especially hard to remember what the ending of the Nintendo 64 version was and then accurately portray it on the website.

The Nintendo 64 version?

Oh yeah, they had that game on the N64 years before it came out on the Xbox, making it a little easier to spoil the ending for everybody.

But are you really spoiling the ending if it's an old game?

Conker: Live & Reloaded isn't old, it's brand new baby.

Alright, I guess you got me there. How about Metroid, I hear you have a spoiler about the upcoming Metroid game for the Revolution.

That is correct Cyril.

Now, how can that be? The Revolution is over a year away and we don't even know what the control looks like let alone any games.

Ah Cyril, you're doubting me again. My sources have seen the finished script for Metroid Prime 3 and we have an exclusive that I doubt anybody is going to see coming.

Well, I can't wait. What's the big secret?

Okay, you aren't going to believe this, but in the end we learn that Samus is a woman! I mean, you go the whole way thinking you're some rough military stud, but you actually end up being a woman ... a Sigourney Weaver type.

But we've known that ever since the very first game back in the mid 1980s, that's hardly new information.

It's not? Everybody knows?

Yeah, there are pictures of her all over the internet in sexy outfits, simply using Google would have saved your sources a whole lot of time.

Gosh, I guess I didn't realize. I never actually played Metroid, was it any good?

Yeah David, it's a classic ... they all are. Huh, well, I guess if you don't have any other endings to spoil ...

No, wait, I have another scoop. The top secret location of the new PSP Grand Theft Auto game is going to be Liberty City, the same place as the third game!

Of course it is David, the name of the game is Liberty City Stories. Well I want to thank you for taking the time to come down and visit with us on our second episode, we wish you and your website the best of luck and you'll have to come back when you have another juicy spoiler worth talking about. We'll be back after this.

Tune in to G4 all weekend long as Victor Lucas and Tommy Tallarico review games they've barely played in a full on Judgment Day marathon! Watch as Tommy spends half the time talking about the sounds of footsteps and his hatred for role-playing games, while spending the other half reminding the audience that he used to make games. It's a full marathon of Judgment Day, the only review show on TV where the hosts readily admit they don't know what they're talking about. Its shows like Judgment Day that are only on G4, TV for Gamers!

Usually when you hear that music we have our Friday regular Apos the Man from the Future, but we've decided to give future boy a much-needed day off. Instead we are going to go back to a much simpler time; a time when we still didn't know who leaked Valerie Plame's identity, people thought that Rafael Palmeiro had never done steroids, and there was only one Willy Wonka movie. That's right, we're talking about March of 2005, the time when I documented my thoughts on the game NARC.

After spending years writing down notes for my reviews, I decided to update my system a little by recording audio notes with my trusty micro cassette recorder. What I'm about to play for you are my thoughts of the game over the course of a weekend, there are some things that might not be appropriate for all ages, some listener discretion is advised.

It's March 18th, 2005, um, looks like it's about 5 PM. I just my copy of NARC in the mail and I'm really looking forward to spending some time with it. I've decided to use this micro cassette recorder to help me keep notes ... so, I'm going to stop trying to explain myself to this inanimate object and just play this thing. What a dummy.

It's 6:34 PM and I've been at this game for about an hour now. Here's a question for you, do ya remember those aliens in Dark City? The ones that spent their whole life making sure the world was dark. Well, it certainly seems like they have a hand in the development of this game. It's night all the time, 24 hours a day ... it's kind of depressing. If I remember correctly this game has been in development for around three years. I certainly hope that's not the case.

It's 9:00 PM, I just back from the store with a bottle of Jack Daniels. I've decided that in order to improve this experience I'm going to take a shot every time I hear Curtis Mayfield's song Superfly ... a song I used to really like. Of course, I'm completely sober now and sitting here talking to myself. Maybe I'll feel like less of a loser when I've downed this thing.

I would not be exaggerating if I were to tell you that this is literally the 20th time I have had to listen to Superfly in the last two hours. It's just about every other song, and it's hard to even keep my thoughts straight thanks to all those shots. I tried to make popcorn earlier, but I forget to turn on the popper machine thingy, and I burnt the butter. I'm starting to notice that no matter how much alcohol I drink this NARC experience is not getting any better. What IS getting better is this little micro cassette recorder. This is just the cutest little thing, those tapes are just so teeny tiny. (Hic) Oh, I need to lay down ...

Hey, it's 11 AM, Saturday March 19. I ended up drinking that entire bottle of Jack Daniels last night. At first it was just because of that song, but then I realized that the more I drank the less attention I was giving NARC. I'm not sure if iIt's the game or the hangover, but something is making me want to vomit.

It's 4 PM and I've decided to invite some people over to help me on my quest to review NARC.

NARC!!

Yeah. Well, they have some suggestions on how to make NARC a better ...

NARC!!

How to make it a better experience.

Diane, it's - I don't know what time it is, Diane, I've been shot. On balance, though, being shot is not as bad as I had always imagined it might be. If you can manage to keep the fear from your mind. Then again, I suppose you could say that about almost anything in life: it's not so bad if you can keep the fear from your mind. At a time like this, curiously, you immediately think of the things you regret, or the things you would miss. I would like, in general, to treat people with much more care and respect. I would like to climb a tall hill but not too tall, sit in the cool grass and feel the sun on my face, but not too cool. I wish I could have cracked the Lindbergh kidnapping. I would very much like to make love to a beautiful woman who I had genuine affection for. I would like that very much. All in all, a very interesting experience.

Hey man, it's your turn.?

I've noticed something, the more I play NARC the less able I am to perform simple tasks. I was just in the kitchen trying to open the fridge but it wouldn't open, it had me stumped until I saw that I was pulling on the wrong side. This is not the kind of thing I did before I experimented with NARC. I don't know what it is, but I feel like this game is making me more dumber.

I've decided that I have a choice. I can sit here and play the rest of NARC, eventually getting to the end and experiencing and ending two years in the making. Or I could take these scissors and attempt to remove both of my testicles without the help of any anesthesia. I'll be right back ... I need to go to the store.

They say you can't really review a game until you've played through it. Well, I've done that and I'm here to tell you that NARC is no good. It's the kind of game that could turn you away from gaming all together, the type of game where you pray for a power outage half way through just to get the pain over with. We're talking pain like you have never seen before. I suggest you go to gaming nexus dot com and read my full review to see if there are any underlining aspects of the game. Thanks for listening to my audio notes of NARC, I doubt I'll have a show five months from now but in case I do I'm going to throw it back to myself, I'm Cyril reporting from in front of my PlayStation 2, back to you Cyril.

Thanks Cyril for that interesting take on NARC, we hope you are given better games to review in the future. And again, if you're looking for that review we suggest you head over to gaming nexus dot com and read all about it. In the mean time, here's what you can expect on next week's show.

Next week on Radio Free Gaming we will be revisiting E3 by way of a musical number performed by death metal rockers Cannibal Corpse. We talk to pet psychic Joan Winterborne on her cat's predictions for the Xbox 360 and PlayStation 3. And we learn about a man who decided to cut off his own hand in order to stop playing Final Fantasy XI online. All this and viewer mail on the next episode of Radio Free Gaming!

Welcome back to Radio Free Gaming. We're joined on the phone right now with Edward Jenkins who is currently camped outside his local Electronics Boutique location in hopes of being the first to buy the Xbox 360. I appreciate you taking the time out of your waiting to talk to us, how are things at this point Edward?

Whoa, we're on the radio right now?

Yes Edward, this is Radio Free Gaming.

So, does that mean we're not on the radio?

Let's just move on, Edward can you tell our listeners how long you have been sitting outside that Electronic Boutique?

I've been out here since the first of August, Cyril.

So nearly a month, can you explain why you've decided to wait in line for a month to get the Xbox 360?

Well, like you said in your introduction, I'm really hoping to be the first person to get the 360 when it comes out. I figured I had nothing better to do than sit out here and be the first in line.

Really? You didn't have anything better to do than sit in line for three months??

Yeah well, you know. The Xbox 360 is more important than all that other stuff, it's not like I'm missing anything.

What about all the summer movies? You're missing all the games that are coming out. And what about the soft touch of a lover? Aren't these things that you're giving up by sitting outside for a hundred days?

Well ... I guess so. Have the movies really been that good?

Getting back on topic, which SKU are you going to pick up when the system finally comes out?

I'm going to pick up the Xbox 360.

Yes yes, I understand that. But are you going to go with the $300 model or the $400 value pack?

Wait, wait, wait ... there are going to be two prices??

Yeah. Last week Microsoft announced the pricing of the 360, which will come at two price points. The $300 model will feature a corded control, a faceplate, and the standard audio/video cables. The $400 package ...

$400??

Yes, the $400 version will feature a wireless control, a twenty gigabyte hard drive, the headset, a faceplate, an Ethernet cable, and an Xbox 360 remote control.

Huh. Well, I only expected to pay $300, how much is it going to be to for an extra control and stuff?

An extra wireless control is $50.

FIFTY BUCKS?!?! That's as much as a game!!

Actually, the Xbox 360 games are going to be around $60 ...

SIXTY BUCKS?? Well, at least I can sell my old Xbox to save a little money.

Are you planning on selling your game collection as well?

Heck no! I'll just play all my games on my 360.

According to Microsoft only the most popular Xbox games will be playable on the Xbox 360, which means that a couple of your games might be useless.

Only the most popular games?

Edward, can I ask you a question? What do you do for a living that allows you to camp outside an Electronics Boutique for three months?

I'm currently unemployed, Cyril. I recently quit my job at the downtown Taco Bell, finally had enough after four years.

Then if you don't mind me asking, how are you planning on paying for the Xbox 360?

That's actually something I hadn't even thought of.

So, let's get back to why you're waiting in line. You say you want to be the first to own the Xbox 360, but since we're on the west coast won't you still be three hours behind anybody in the east?

What are you saying, Cyril?

Well, when 12 midnight rolls around and your store opens for business, won't the people in New York have had the system for three hours? At best you'll just be the first of the last people to get this system, won't you?

Wow, I guess I never thought of it that way.

And you're missing out on all the great games coming out before November, like Burnout Revenge!

Yeah, that's true.

And I bet your friends are merciless when they're making fun of you. Sitting out here all alone while they're at home cozying up against some Hot Coffee and summer reruns.

Hey!

I mean, what kind of loser camps in front of a store during the hottest months of the year?

I don't have to take this abuse, you know. Screw this, I'm outta here!

Alright, well I'd like to thank Edward Jenkins for enlightening us on why somebody would want to sit in front of a store for over 100 days. It sounded like he walked away from his camping spot, but we wish him the best of luck. I would also like to thank David Gore for coming in and spoiling some of the big games of summer. We'll be back on September 2nd with another big episode of Radio Free Gaming, until then my name is Cyril Lachel, and I hope you keep smiling.