Welcome to the 32 Dangerous Cheat Codes, a brand new series that will run daily between November 24 and December 25. Join us as we discuss the hazardous ramifications of some of your favorite cheat codes. Today we're talking about one of the most controversial codes of all time -- the Hot Coffee mod in Grand Theft Auto: San Andreas.


Of all the cheat codes and Easter eggs to wind up in video games, Hot Coffee is undoubtedly the most infamous. It's the secret that ended up getting Grand Theft Auto: San Andreas re-rated and pulled from store shelves. With the media freaking out and politically-active parents groups up in arms, Rockstar was forced to revise their hugely popular action game and omit one of the most controversial scenes in video game history.

So what could have possibly led to this massive overreaction? I mean, given all the violence and debauchery we usually get in Grand Theft Auto, this had to be something unprecedented, right? Nope, everybody saved their harshest jabs for a perfectly tame, fully-clothed sex scene between C.J. Johnson and one of the many ladies he picks up in San Andreas. In an age when internet porn can be found by typing literally any phrase into Google, everybody decided to freak out about a moment so unsexy that I dare anybody to get aroused watching the footage.

What makes the outrage even more confusing is the fact that these awkward dry humping scenes weren't readily available in the retail release. In fact, gamers had to go out of their way and install a mod just to access what was clearly an abandoned game idea tucked away inside the code. It was even more difficult on home consoles, where you actually had to do some hacking to watch the least satisfying porno of all time. Eventually the process became as easy as downloading a save file, but that certainly didn't make the sex scene more titillating.

All this led to the ESRB re-rating Grand Theft Auto: San Andreas, giving it the much-dreaded AO: Adults Only rating. What's more, congress passed a resolution to have the Federal Trade Commission investigate whether or not Rockstar intentionally undermined the ESRB. And then there were the class action lawsuits and protests. It was a real mess.

But forget Jack Thompson, the excitable news anchors and the angry mob of prudes who were just looking for an excuse to attack the year's most popular game, I want to take this code into the real world. Just imagine what life would be like if suddenly everybody started having boring, fully-clothed sex and not getting off. It's not just the pent-up sexual aggression you should be worried about, but also the fact that it could potentially doom our entire species. If everybody has sex like C.J. Johnson, then nobody would get pregnant and civilization as we know it will come to a screeching halt. And all because you couldn't keep it out of your pants. So selfish.