Dead or Alive 4: A Touchy-Feely Ending

It's the 25th day on our journey through the 32 Game Endings of Christmas! So far we've covered a couple of sexy game endings, but none are like this. Just imagine the perverted musings that happen in the mind of a middle-aged creeper and you get Dead or Alive 4. Instead of tackling all of the endings, we'll take a look at this oddly memorable Lei Fang cinema. I'm pretty sure you'll understand why we are singling it out!

Previously On Dead or Alive 4: Meet Lei Fang, a 19 year old college student who just so happens to be a master in t'ai chi quan. At first glance you might not think she comes from a troubled childhood, but look again. As a youth she was saved from a near death beating by a fellow DOA fighter Jann Lee. Since then she has spent the rest of her days proving she's a strong and capable woman. Her goal now is to defeat Jann in the Dead or Alive competition and finally surpass the master. But before she can do that, Lei Fang will have to go up against some of the toughest fighters in the world. There's a Dead or Alive tournament to win and some beach volleyball to play before she can go toe-to-toe with her guardian angel. Makes complete sense.

How It Ended: At long last, Lei Fang successfully bests her savior and proves that she is indeed the toughest around. The next day we see the people's champion on a train, proud of her accomplishments and enjoying the hot sun. When a fawn walks in front of the speeding train, the conductor hits the brakes and sends everybody in the cabin flailing. The sudden movement is too much for Lei's shirt to handle, literally bursting open showing her ample bosom. To make matters even more embarrassing, an elderly man is thrust awkwardly towards our hero and uses her practically bare breasts to keep from falling down. This doesn't sit well with the t'ai chi quan expert. With the entire train cheering her on, Lei Fang kicks the creeper so hard he flies out the window and to his death 200 feet below.

Before we get to the murder charge, it would be criminal to not bring up the cheery song that accompanies this disturbing cinema. Just in case you needed foreshadowing, the opens with the words, "Touch me." Between the acoustic guitar and generic lyrics, this song sounds almost exactly like "Kiss Me" by Sixpence None the Richer. There would have been a lawsuit ... if anybody remembered who Sixpence None the Richer was. It's also strange that a woman who bared it all in DOA Xtreme Beach Volleyball is suddenly bashful. Honey, you bought those big fake plastic breasts for a reason, you might as well let people see them.

How It Should Have Ended: Every Team Ninja game should end with a video of Tomonobu Itagaki getting arrested for being the creepiest pervert on the planet. This end cinema is just one of the many examples you can point to. It's not just that he only creates women with enormous, completely unrealistic breasts, but also the fact that every girl is a vapid, crazy nympho. He also has problems animating large boobs. Usually the racks look like they're filled with helium, which says something about his predilection for blow-up dolls. No matter how good the game is, I always feel like I need to take a dozen showers after stepping into this creeper's mind.