Tempest X is awesome. While it's nowhere near as cool as the Jaguar-exclusive Tempest 2000, this Saturn and PlayStation port still holds up remarkably well. This commercial, on the other hand, is so old and outdated that I'm a little surprised it hasn't already come back in style. If you didn't know anything about the old arcade game Tempest, then you sure aren't going to glean much from this terrible advert. Is this a game about licking? Couches? Why does this look more like a page out of Martha Stewart's Living than Electronic Gaming Monthly? With its pastel colors and sofa-inspired background photos, it's no wonder that Tempest X killed the franchise dead.

This commercial attempts to liken Tempest X to having sex for the very first time. It reads: "The first time you did it you were excited, frustrated and you lasted about 10 seconds. It's back. Will you be any better?" Gee, you sure do know how to make a kid feel good. That doesn't sound anything like my first time. I mean, this advertisement doesn't say anything about the three hours of pleading that preceded the event and the thirty minutes of crying that came afterwards. And don't even get me started on the Phil Collins music. Seriously, this commercial gets it all wrong.

There is even more excitement and destruction in Tempest X, the commercial tells me. It contains "more killing than ever before" and features "all new weapons, badder bad guys and a stickier web." And just because they aren't done talking about your miserable experience losing your virginity, the commercial mocks you by concluding with "but that would be a little premature, now wouldn't it?" That's big talk for a game whose slogan reads, "All new. All you can handle." That might make more sense if this wasn't a port of a Jaguar game!


FROM: I Didn't Know I Was Bad Advertising