I hate video game buyer's guides. I know that I'm waging a losing battle, but there's something about them that just doesn't sit right to me. Anybody that is already going to a video game website is already hardcore enough to know what games he wants and what to ask for. What's more, most buyers' guides are completely useless to the non-gamer. At best these guides tell you what the biggest games are, but you can figure that out based on what's on the wall at your local game store. These video game buyers' guides aren't useful, and that's why I have made it my battle to pre-empt the upcoming onslaught of buyers' guides and give you something useful.

That's right; it is my intent to give you a guide that is truly helpful to at least one segment of the game buying population. This is a guide for all of you non-gamers out there who desperately don't want to get the wrong gift. If you're a parent or a non-gamer who plans on buying a game for a child, Don't Fucking Buy That Game ... at least, not until you've read the Non-Gamers Guide to Getting the Wrong Gift! Below are eight cautionary examples of what can go wrong if you buy the wrong gift. Don't let this happen to you!

So Don't Give Them Rock Revolution: Fake plastic instruments are all the rage these days, apparently making more money than even sports games! But not every music game is equal, so it's your job to not get completely confused when you make it to the game store. It's going to be hard; nobody ever said that shopping for fake plastic musical instruments was going to be easy. For one thing, you're going to be tempted by Rock Revolution's attractive price tag. I know little Timmy had his heart set on Rock Band 2 or Guitar Hero: World Tour, but those games are tipping the scale at almost $200. Have you seen the economy outside? It's hard not to be tempted by the $130 price point for Rock Revolution, but it's important to fight the urge. Heck, even the stand-alone game is a whole ten dollars cheaper than Rock Band 2. But this is not a sign; it's just Konami trying to sucker people into buying inferior products.

What about the game store employees, they're here to help me, right? Not even close, let's face it they don't care what you buy. They're getting paid the same whether you buy ten copies of Rock Band 2 or just think about buying Rock Revolution. Heck, I wouldn't be surprised if some of those employees make it their mission to sell every last copy of Rock Revolution. Have you seen the kind of jerks that work at a game store? These are people you never want to smell again, which is why you would much rather buy that ungrateful kid a sweater at the Gap. Stupid kid.

The Logical Conclusion: After spending all their time looking forward to rocking out with Rock Band 2, little Timmy's heart is shattered when he unwraps Rock Revolution. Oh the humanity, it's clear that Santa Claus doesn't really exist and that your parents have been lying to you the whole time. Worse yet, from this moment on you learn to hate all music and refuse to every hear another note made from a guitar or drum kit. This means he stops going to movies, never picks up women at the bar and lives a miserable life in the forests with the coyotes far away from music. All because you decided you wanted to save $50. It's your cheapness that ruins this boy's life; I hope you're happy with yourself.

So Don't Give Them Homie Rollerz: When you ask little Timmy what a "Mario Kart Wii" is he throws his hands up in the air and concludes that you must be stupid. I mean, it's Mario ... everybody knows Mario. And he's on a Kart, just when you bought him the original Super Mario Kart, or when you surprised him with Mario Kart 64, or when he kept begging for Mario Kart DS and Mario Kart: Double Dash!! In fact, now that you think about it, little Timmy sure does have a lot of Mario Kart games. Maybe it's time to wean him off of his Mario addiction and give him some variety?

At that exact moment you see Homie Rollerz for a shockingly cheap price. And right next to that you see seven more copies, all used for $7.99. Mario Kart Wii is $50 right now, yet this Nintendo DS kart racing game is less than ten bucks. What's more, you see this as a wise investment, since this may give him some foreign language practice, ultimately helping him pass Spanish class. Even when the well-intended game store employee gasps and tells you not to buy it, you still put the money down. After all, you know these Homiez characters. I mean, you see them every day when you go to your local supermarket. You don't know what kind of trouble those Mario Brothers could be getting into; Homie Rollerz is definitely a safer choice.

The Logical Conclusion: Given the game's terrible controls and downright racist cinemas, one of two things is going to happen to little Timmy. On one hand he could learn to fear driving anywhere, since apparently everybody has bigger and faster cars. Or he could learn to hate Mexican Americans ... especially when driving on the street. Every time he drives to school he'll worry about what kind of object the next car over is going to throw at him. He'll be afraid that the car in front of him is going to throw down an oil slick, or that the car next to him will get really aggressive after eating a hot pepper. He'll be concerned that everybody is going to run him off the road and get there before he does. This is going to scar him; he'll never want to leave the house again. He'll become fearful of the car and, even worse, xenophobic. All because you didn't buy Mario Kart Wii. What kind of animal are you?