Coffin Dodgers

Kart racing games have come a long way since the days of Super Mario Kart. Modern iterations offer a wide assortment of characters with unique abilities, dozens of stages that change from one lap to the next and anti-gravity vehicles that completely change the perspective. Chances are you already know this, because you've kept up with each new version. But I'm not sure the same can be said for the makers of Coffin Dodgers, who seems intent on ignoring any kart racing advancement of the last twenty years.

The gimmick is silly enough: The Grim Reaper has set his sights on the Sunny Pines retirement village, where he hopes to claim a few more trophies before calling it quits. But wouldn't you know it, the wrinkly residents decide to stand up to death and challenge the Grim Reaper to a mobility scooter racing championship. It's a goofy idea that should have launched a riotously entertaining play on the tried and true kart racing formula.

The scooter championship is split across four separate parts of the city, each with three different races. If you manage to come in at least third in every race, you'll move on to the final showdown, where our elderly rider zips through a super-track that connects all four parts of the city. Failure means being turned into a hideous zombie.

Had the developers nailed the racing portion of the game, this silly concept might have been something special. But instead of finding an original take on the genre, it recycles the same boring cliches we've seen trotted out for two decades. And it's not just painfully unoriginal; it's the worst playing kart racing game since Homie Rollerz.

Perhaps true to form, the mobility scooters are hard to control at high speeds. They simply aren't built for this type of abuse, so you'll see even simple corners being a headache due to the squirrelly handling. Even after upgrading the scooter with my prize money, I still found the narrow streets frustrating to navigate. This is made even worse with enemy fire coming at you from all directions.

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Speaking of which, it's disappointing that Coffin Dodgers doesn't bother coming up with weapons appropriate to the story. We're given guns, missiles, an oil slick and shield, all things that make more sense in Twisted Metal than a retirement community. If it's going to be a game about senior citizens racing on scooters, the least they can do is take the idea to its obvious conclusion. Use those frequent bathroom breaks to slow down the competition, or maybe you can speed to victory with a boost from the oxygen tank. I'm just spit-balling here.

Beyond the unimaginative weaponry, Coffin Dodgers gets even the basics wrong. For example, you can't discard unwanted weapons. You'll need to keep firing until the ammo is empty. There's also no hidden techniques or depth, something you commonly see in this style of racing game. Mario Kart gives you a speed boost for drifting around corners and wipEout has the mid-air spin, but there's nothing like that here. You don't even get secret passages and shortcuts, it's as straight-forward as a kart racer can get.

Had you told me this was a high-definition remaster of an obscure game from 1999, there's a chance I would have believed you. And it's not just the gameplay, but also the dated visions. I like the design of the old people, but not the world they inhabit. The four parts of the city aren't unique enough to stand out, and it feels like every one of them eventually devolves into an underground sewer race.

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The lackluster stages are yet another example of the game ignoring its goofy premise. There's nothing about these levels that would indicate that it has anything to do with a senior citizen kart race. We should be racing through the community center, the hospital and other locations directly connected to the theme.

On the technical side, I was disappointed to discover that every race was plagued by annoying pauses in the action. It was just long enough to screw up a turn or make passing an enemy tougher. I wasn't sure when it would happen, but knew it would pop up at some point in every single stage.

From the bland designs to the questionable selection of weapons, Coffin Dodgers is one missed opportunity after another. And even if you can get past how disconnected everything is to the general theme, you're still left with an incredibly average racing game with terrible handling and cheap A.I. Grandma and Pop Pop deserve better.