Massive Cleavage vs. Zombies: Awesome Edition

When you pause the newest game from Awesome Enterprises, it offers this pro tip: "Don't pause the game. 76% of players who pause the game die soon after un-pausing." While I'm sure they've done extensive research and crunched the numbers, I have a slightly different theory. By the time players have experienced enough of Massive Cleavage vs. Zombies to pause, I suspect 76% of players have discovered that this abortion of a game is so painfully bad that giving up on life is the only sane option.

With a name that sounds more like a desperate attempt to stand out in the increasingly crowded zombie genre, Massive Cleavage vs. Zombies: Awesome Edition is a frustrating new action game where you play a busty blonde woman trying to escape a zombie outbreak. She's a little ditzy and hasn't learned how to button up a shirt, but at least she brought along a massive meat cleaver to stay safe.

This is a shockingly inept beat-em-up where a half dozen zombie clones rush our hero on both sides. We're given only two attacks -- a high attack and a low attack. That's it. There are no special moves or power-ups. You can't duck or jump or do much of anything beyond hacking and slashing zombies. Even compared to the classic 2D beat-em-ups from the 1980s, Massive Cleavage vs. Zombies is a huge step backwards.

I suppose I could complain about how all the action takes place on a single lifeless screen or how all of the backgrounds are nothing more than a snapshot with a PhotoShop filter over them, but that's not the issue here. The real culprit is the gameplay, which is the very definition of sluggish. There's a noticeable lag between the button press and action on screen. This is fine at first, but can be incredibly frustrating once the game starts throwing dozens of zombies at you.

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To make matters worse, the zombies don't actually need to bite you to register damage. In fact, there is no bite animation. What usually happens is a walker will slip by your defenses and stand right next to you, invulnerable to attacks and sucking your life. Unfortunately, this is the best case scenario. I found that sometimes a zombie doesn't even need to be around you to inflict pain. I died multiple times with nobody near me. There is not one moment in this game where I had fun.

Oh, and did I mention that it randomly becomes a dual-stick shooter? In the most jarring shift I've seen this year, we jump from crummy 2D beat-em-up to unbearable overhead action game. Unfortunately, the sluggish controls carry over; turning what could have been an entertaining diversion into a frustrating nightmare.

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Even if I could get beyond the terrible gameplay and mind-numbing repetition, you're still left with a loathsome hero who doesn't deserve to survive the zombie apocalypse. She's the kind of person who could learn your name, but chooses to call you Mr. Mexican. A person who seems a little iffy on the Chinese. A person who can't even button a damn shirt. This is the kind of person that should be eaten first, yet she continues to luck her way into safety.

Massive Cleavage vs. Zombies is a miserable experience with even worse gameplay. It takes an already simple genre and dumbs it down to the point of absurdity. You're better off playing literally any other side-scrolling beat-em-up. In a world where it's either play this again or be eaten by zombies, I'm pretty sure I would side with the zombies.