Hypergalactic Psychic Table Tennis 3000

Hypergalactic Psychic Table Tennis 3000 is the Pong role-playing game you didn't know you wanted. It combines the competitive back-and-forth action of the 1972 arcade game with experience points, leveling, magic attacks and boss battles. There's no question that this is a silly concept that probably shouldn't work, but what we have here is an exciting, funny and weirdly addictive quest that is so much better than any of the official Pong sequels.

As goofy as it sounds, you play a young paddle who goes off on an epic journey through the hypergalaxies to defeat anybody and anything that gets in the way. This is a scrappy paddle who gets beaten down, but always comes back stronger and more prepared for the fight. The hero is also incredibly violent, often curb stomping other paddles and ripping them in two just to make a point. Who knew that the world of Pong was this violent?

Hypergalactic Psychic Table Tennis 3000 starts out as you would expect, with two paddles slowly moving up and down while the ball bounces between them. You know the rules -- if the ball slips by one of the paddles, then the other player scores a point. But what sets this game apart is that the young paddle levels up after every win, which allows you to start sinking your points into improving the strength, intelligence, wisdom, endurance, agility and more.

Leveling up the different stats will translate into some obvious improvements, such as making your paddle faster or increasing its size. It will also allow you to break free from only moving up and down and roam the entire board, adding a whole new wrinkle to Pong. Before long, our hero will be learning new magic spells that change the game in dramatic ways, including the ability to throw fireballs, poison the opponent, grow really big, slow down time and heal up.

That last ability is important, because the paddle has a health bar and can die mid-fight. Our hero takes damage every time it smacks the ball, so it's important to use the healing spell before the little guy violently shatters into a million little pieces. The good news is that your opponent also has a health bar, so it often makes more sense to go on the offensive instead of trying to sneak the ball past them. This is especially true of the bigger boss battles, and I had a lot of fun finding new ways to stomp them into the ground with the ten different abilities.

Click For the Full Picture Archive

The funny (albeit paper-thin) story is really only there to keep you jumping from one random encounter to another. We go up against silly villains with names like Berserker, Undead Monkey, Thrill Seeking Venterer, Beatrix the Beastmaster, Mediocre Rapper, Telekinetic Prom Queen and even Hollywood stuntman Derek Mears. Not that you should expect their likenesses to carry over, because you're always going up against a different colored paddle. Sometimes they are bigger, smaller and squares instead of rectangles, but there's nothing there that would clue you into who (or what) you're fighting against.

That, of course, is part of the joke, but it's also surprisingly effective. I found myself laughing at the short descriptions of each character and the paragraph we get after every win. I like that you can charm and romance the opponents if you say the right things. I like that you can befriend a wild animal on your adventure that will end up getting stuck to the bottom of your paddle. I like that our hero is constantly changing clothing and armor whenever it finds a hidden treasure chest. The silliness of the game really won me over.

Unfortunately, there are a few things holding me back from a more enthusiastic recommendation. The most obvious issue with the game is that it's incredibly repetitive. Even with the ten different magical abilities and animal friends, you're essentially doing the same thing in all 200 stages. The game tries to mix things up by adding dangerous water, lava and landmine obstacles to the stages, but it's not enough. This is only scratching the surface of what is possible.

Click For the Full Picture Archive

Hypergalactic Psychic Table Tennis 3000 is also too easy. Far too easy. The computer AI is barely competent at times. They'll miss easy shots and just stand still at times. They also don't have a lot of attacks to throw back at you. You'll occasionally see a fireball coming your way, but it would have been more of a challenge if they had the same abilities as our hero. Maybe they could slow down time or poison our paddle. It only seems fair. Oh, and speaking of which, why isn't this a two-player game? I would love to see the magic being flung back and forth in a longer and more competitive fight. The computer opponents are all pushovers that don't require you to use the full suite of abilities. I mean, I still had a great time ripping apart Reprogrammed Hyperbot and Disgruntled Janitor limb from limb, but now I want a real challenge.

Sometimes a silly concept will get you far, and that's definitely true of Hypergalactic Psychic Table Tennis 3000. By mixing Pong with traditional role-playing game mechanics, Blue Wizard Digital has created a goofy and often clever adventure with competitive action and a whole lot of humor. It's a little repetitive and the enemies are too easy, but it's also one of those games you're never going to forget. I mean that.