Airplane Mode

Ever since Microsoft released their new Flight Simulator a few months ago, it seems like everybody has become an armchair pilot. But what if you don't feel comfortable in the cockpit and would rather simulate being one of the passengers? That seems to be the thinking behind the new interactive experience Airplane Mode, which puts you in the seat of an airliner and, well, just kind of leaves you there. You may have heard of a "walking simulator," but this can best be described as a sitting simulator. A mindlessly boring, waste-of-time sitting simulator.

There was a time when I defended Airplane Mode. As all my friends and colleagues were mocking it as an "artsy" anti-game, I assumed that the first-time developer might be hiding something genuinely unique and compelling underneath the admittedly boring concept. I mean, it's not hard to come up with compelling game stories about a person stuck in coach. Believe me, I thought of dozens while waiting for my flight to Reykjavik to take off. What if I were seated next to a guy who wouldn't stop talking about conspiracy theories? Or what if people start getting sick? Or what if we have to fly through a terrible storm? Or what if there's a monster that only I can see sitting on the wing? My mind raced with ideas.

But I was wrong to defend Airplane Mode, because it doesn't do any of that. In fact, it doesn't try to tell a story at all. This is exactly what you think it is -- a game that simulates being a passenger on either a three-or-six-hour flight. All in real-time, with no way to save your progress. You sit in the same seat, watch the same in-flight entertainment, getting pretzels from the same flight attendant and patiently waiting for something interesting to happen. But it never comes. Nothing interesting happens, unless you want to count the times when there's a baby crying on board. But that's more annoying that interesting.

In case you're wondering, there are a few things to do while you're flying the friendly skies of PanAtlantica, We can fiddle with the air and lights above, recline the seat, flip through the complimentary magazine, goof off with the cell phone, play a game of solitaire and watch one of the in-flight movies. There's also a pen in the carry-on bag, which means you can solve crossword puzzles and even draw on the pad you picked up while waiting to board. See, it's just like being on a real flight.

For my part, I treated both my three-hour flight to Nova Scotia and the six-hour flight to Iceland as if they were really happening. I only did things you could reasonably do on an airplane, such as occasionally going to the bathroom and playing with my real-life phone. I watched all the movies and perused the podcasts. And when I was done with that, I played games on my PS Vita and continued my re-watch of Twin Peaks, all while the flight barreled towards my destination at around 500 miles per hour. Just about the only thing I didn't do was seatbelt myself into this office chair, but you better believe I would have if that was an option.

Unfortunately, none of this was able to overcome Airplane Mode's most glaring problem -- it's a crummy simulator. If you've flown even once in the last decade, then you'll immediately see the flaws in the design. To put it bluntly: This is not how people act on a flight. Nobody gets up for any reason, your neighbor doesn't make small talk, the kid behind you isn't kicking the seat, everybody is polite and the cabin is so quiet that you'll sometimes mistake it for a library. The other passengers don't even act like real people. The woman next to me spent most of the flight trying to stick your finger through the chair-mounted television screen.

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What's worse is that we never have to deal with the airport, which I would argue is at least half of the flying experience. We don't have to get there early, stand in long lines, check luggage, get patted down, eat the terminal food, shop at the gift store, exchange money or wait to board. Nope, we start the game already sitting in our assigned seat. And when we land and can finally exit the plane, nobody does. Everybody remains in their seat poking at their screens, waiting for you to exit the game.

This is one of those times where it feels like the developer is going out of its way to troll you. It's not just the woefully unrealistic simulation and utter lack of content, but also in things it should have been able to get right. A good example of this comes when deciding what you want for dinner. Sure, you can choose between the chicken or the fish, but neither showed up on my flight to Reykjavik. Where did my meal go?

I don't think you understand just how boring Airplane Mode is. Apart from watching a few public domain movies, listening to a couple podcasts and doing the crossword puzzle, there really isn't much to see here. And, no, this is not one of those games where you have to create your own fun. You can't get up or constantly call the flight-attendant or annoy the person sitting next to you. Even if you take every single sleeping pill in your bag in an attempt to overdose, you'll just wake up an hour later. It's like nothing ever happened. That grilled chicken I ordered was one of the only interesting parts of this game, and they couldn't even do that right.

That's not to say I didn't have any fun playing Airplane Mode, because I genuinely enjoyed the in-flight movies. We get classics like the 1902 silent film A Trip to the Moon, as well as movies from the 1930s and 40s that deal with aviation. I also got into some of the podcasts, which range from ASMR to electronic music to lengthy discussions about indie games. I even spent a lot of time playing solitaire, because the interactive trivia game hasn't been implemented yet. It's telling that the best parts of Airplane Mode are the bits the developer had nothing to do with making.

It's not that you can't make a great game out of being an airplane passenger, but rather that the developers didn't. Airplane Mode is a boring and tedious affair that is never entertaining. It's the kind of artsy anti-game that would normally eschew fun for some sort of message, but there's nothing like that to be found in this tiresome experience. Worst of all, it doesn't even get the simulation right, especially when it comes to the other passengers. If I'm going to spend six hours flying to Iceland, I sure as hell want to take in the beautiful scenery. And that's just one of the many enjoyable things you won't get to do in this awful game.