Breakneck City

I have a confession to make: I like old school beat 'em ups. I have ever since I first played Double Dragon and Final Fight all the way back in the 1980s, and even as one-on-one fighting games became all the rage in the '90s, I still kept up with the Streets of Rage sequels. And it wasn't just the best brawlers, either, because I was more than happy to waste an afternoon on one of the lesser entries, like Rival Turf or The Combatribes. But we're not here to talk about a good beat 'em up, or even a middling one. Oh no, today we have to talk about Breakneck City, a terrible new brawler that fundamentally misunderstands why people like me love the genre. Grab the ice pack and Neosporin, because this is going to be a street fight.

Stop me if you've heard this one before: When local businesses feel the heat from a violent gang controlling the streets of Breakneck City, two tough women decide to take matters into their own hands and dismantle the crime syndicate one thug at a time. Their names are Sidney Flintlock and Justine Jacobs, but that hardly matters, because everything from the set-up to the level designs are so generic that you won't even remember playing this game a few weeks later.

Inspired by the beat 'em ups of the 1990s, this is a straight-forward brawler where you kick and punch your way through six low-polygon stages in hopes of eventually finding the evil crime lord. You'll notice that I didn't say "kick and punch and pull off other moves," because all you do is kick and punch. Okay, you can jump kick and jump punch, so I guess that's technically four moves, but you can't throw the gang members or pull off any kind of special attack. You may recall that many old school beat 'em ups would give you the option to perform a power move by pressing the punch and kick buttons and once, something that was good at getting you out of trouble. Well, there's nothing like that here. All you do in Breakneck City is punch and kick.

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The good news is that there are a handful of weapons you can pick up, including a bat, a sword and even a gun. These will help thin out the bad guys when you're swarmed, but watch out, because more times than naught, those same weapons are being used against our heroes. While it's not an attack, it's worth mentioning that both characters can side-step enemy attacks using the right analog stick. On second thought, I'm not sure I can even call it a side-step, because what it really does is move the character around the screen at an alarming speed. It's like having a run button, except that nobody's legs are moving and it kind of looks like you're just floating around the stage because of a glitch. Either way, it can be incredibly useful, though it's a shame that you can't tie it into a move or attack.

Beyond the repetitive punching and kicking, the real problem with this game is that the levels aren't even remotely interesting. Even without playing it, I guarantee you could name most of the locations we fight through in Breakneck City. We get the back alleys, the warehouse, the gang leader's mansion and even a skyrise. And yes, before you ask, there is an elevator section. The problem isn't that they are simply generic, but rather that they aren't much fun to fight through. Too many trap the action in narrow corridors and employ frustrating platforming sections. They also look terrible.

The sad truth is that this is an ugly brawler. With the low-res polygons and repeating backgrounds, Breakneck City looks more like Dynamite Cop than Streets of Rage. The beautiful pixel artwork created for most of those '90s beat 'em ups has been replaced by gross textures covering completely flat polygons. Everything from the character designs to the furniture lining the mansion looks bad and unpolished, all of which left a bad taste in my mouth.

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However, Breakneck City's biggest sin comes at the end, when the game abruptly cuts to the credits instead of giving us a satisfying conclusion. It's actually worse than that, because they've perfectly set things up to recreate Final Fight's iconic ending, where we kick the evil crime boss out the window and to his death. The characters are in place and the setting is perfect, yet Breakneck City can't even get that right. What a disappointing end to a terrible and unsatisfying game.

If you're going to press me on naming something I actually liked about this brawler, then I would point to the penultimate boss. It's a heavily armored ninja that initially seems impossible to hurt, only for you to gradually figure out that you need to knock him into the flower pots and bookshelves to defeat him. That a puzzle that you have to solve, which is a whole lot more than I can say about any of the other five bosses. Look, I know it's not much, but this heavily-armored ninja was the only time I had fun while playing Breakneck City. It was either end the review on a positive note or spend another ten minutes complaining that the game is broken and will often fling you outside of the level with no way to get back in. I'm choosing to be more positive in 2022.