Ladies and gentleman from all across the world, I stand here before you to show you the eighth wonder of the world. We travelled to the furthest reaches of the Earth in the most dangerous waters to bring you a beast the likes you have never seen before. It's a beast that will shock you, amaze you, and scare the living daylights out of you. That's right, we have brought you something that is so hard to imagine that you won't even believe it after you've seen it. I give you KONG!! What's that? No, this isn't King Kong, and before you even ask, this isn't Donkey Kong either. It's just Kong, like the Estonian word for "cage". Dropping the dramatic charade, this is Kong for the Commodore 64. I've never actually played this game, but I can tell you that it appears to be a cross between Donkey Kong and King Kong, how else do you explain that this giant monkey is keeping Fay Wray captive and our hero (who appears to be a sailor) is pounding him with a mallet?

The first thing you'll notice when you see this cover for Kong is just how fat the monkey is. King Kong was always a big dude, but he was never overweight. The Anirog Kong looks like he needs to call up Jenny Craig, look into Weight Watchers or start eating at Subway. I mean, some of us accidentally drop crumbs on our shirt when we eat, but apparently Kong has full bananas stuck in his chest hair. It makes me wonder if this is our beloved King Kong or Ain't It Cool News founder, Harry Knowles. But while Kong may not be able to help it (perhaps they don't have Overeaters Anonymous for giant monkeys), there's no excuse for the Sailor looking to save the maiden with big, grey hair. This guy knew that Kong was a big guy, yet all he brings is a mallet? Kong doesn't even look troubled by the pounding on his belly; he actually looks like he's enjoying it. This entire fight just looks like it's an exercise in futility, there's no way our stupid, stupid hero is going to be able to injure that big, fat ape. My suggestions: Bring a barrel of pastries and feed them to Kong, that way the monkey will completely forget about Fay Wray and everybody can live happily ever after. Either that or bring Jared from those Subway commercials, he's enough to make even the biggest monkey run for cover.