Welcome to a brand new episode of Defunct Games Decides, the show that isn't afraid to get to the bottom of classic video game arguments. Just in time for Christmas 2006, Burger King released three games for only $4 a piece with a value meal. Those games were playable on either the Xbox or Xbox 360 and saw the still-creepy-looking Burger King laying siege to three different genres. As far as adver-gaming is concerned, the games were okay for the asking price, but the question here is which one of the three reigns supreme. I will be judging the games based on the aesthetics, gameplay, and how well they advertise Burger King. Look sharp; we have an audience with the King.

Burger King Battle: Big Bumpin' vs. PocketBike Racer vs. Sneak King

Big Bumpin': This is a party game in which four players use bumper cars to play a small variety of survival and hockey games. It feels like a kiddie version of Twisted Metal. The graphics are pretty plain; nothing impresses or offends. The gameplay is okay in very small doses but gets tedious quickly. The branding is very weak; were it not for the King and Whopper Jr. being playable characters, you wouldn't know it was a Burger King game.

Sneak King: The King goes stealthy for this one. The goal is to sneak up on hungry people to surprise them with various Burger King foods. The graphics are decent here; the levels are well designed, but the character models and animations get very repetitive very quickly. The gameplay is very simple, but the requirements for "A" ratings for the missions can get extremely aggravating. This one has the most blatant branding; completing all the missions in just one stage would acquaint players with every major thing on the Burger King menu.

PocketBike Racer: This is a blatant Mario Kart rip-off playable by up to four players. The graphics are decent with a very good sense of speed. The gameplay is standard but decent; the weapons work well, and the availability of shortcuts pleasantly calls to mind San Francisco Rush. The branding is just a little better than Big Bumpin'; one of the races takes place in a Burger King parking lot.

VERDICT: Despite there being three games available, this really just came down to Pocketbike Racer and Sneak King. Big Bumpin' was easily the weakest; not a very good game or Burger King ad. Sneak King can provide more than a few laughs (at least until you've seen his dance a few dozen times), and the branding is so pervasive that I'm sure I got high cholesterol from playing it. In the end, I have to give the nod to PocketBike Racer. The branding is there but not excessive, and the gameplay is enjoyable even if it is just a clone of Mario Kart. Hail to the King, baby!

(Sorry, Bruce Campbell.)

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