Electronic Gaming Monthly's Worst Reviewed Games of 2006

Blade Dancer: Lineage of Light

#5

I think it's fair to say that 2006 was the year when Electronic Gaming Monthly turned on the PlayStation Portable. It's not that Sony's handheld system didn't have any high-rated games (Metal Gear Ac!d 2 and Tekken: Dark Resurrection impressed the editors), but rather that the review crew had its knives out for anything that wasn't top-tier. Major releases like Daxter, Syphon Filter, Killzone and Pursuit Force all got slashed to bits by the magazine, often for curious reasons. This translates to a worst of 2006 list that is dominated by terrible PSP games, starting with Blade Dancer: Lineage of Light.

This was not a great year for NIS America. Not only did this poorly-conceived role-playing game land at number 5, but their other PSP release, Spectral Souls, came a tenth of a point away from also being on this list. So, what gave Blade Dancer the edge? Let's let Michael explain: "Don't be deceived by this flashy Japanese RPG; the game may play like a Final Fantasy with its turn-based battles and 3D environments, but originality-wise, it's right up there with the abominable Quest 64. Everything about the game is generic, from the typical slay-the-evil-demon plot to the cookie-cutter characters. Why your party members even have names is beyond me -- it's almost as if the developers took RPG cliches and molded characters to these archetypes." With so many amazing role-playing games on the PSP, the three editors wondered why anybody would buy this bland attempt at the genre. Blade Dancer: Lineage of Light averaged a woefully generic score of 3.2 out of 10.

Rengoku II: The Stairway to H.E.A.V.E.N.

#4

Do you remember a couple episodes ago when I mentioned that Rengoku: The Tower of Purgatory was the worst-reviewed game on the PSP? Well, now is your chance to meet the slightly better sequel. And when I say "slightly better," I mean it in the loosest way possible. Where the original averaged a rock bottom score of 2.3 out of 10, this little-hyped follow-up received a 3. That shows the developers listened to critics, right?

Looking at the EGM reviews, it's clear that Rengoku II makes a lot of the same mistakes as its predecessor. Michael describes the game this way: "The sequel features the same limb customizing fighting and a ho-hum multiplayer mode, but whatever enjoyment you might get from rock-n-sockin' a bunch of fugly-ass bots is negated with its horribly repetitive, if not punishable, game design. Each of the eight levels has you doing such monotonous things as 1) opening doors, 2) fighting enemies and 3) ... wait, that's it. Seriously." Jane, on the other hand, tried to find meaning in the repetition: "Existentially speaking, maybe that's the point of the game -- Hell is a place where the player, like Sisyphus, fights a never-ending stream of robot enemies without any real progress. Be good, and don't end up there." Believe it or not, Stairway to H.E.A.V.E.N. did not kill the franchise. Despite the terrible reviews, Hudson pushed on with Rengoku: The End of the Century on PlayStation 3, which was eventually canceled. Sounds like we dodge a bullet.

Gangs of London

#3

If you asked critics in the early 2000s what ambitious open-world action game would go on to change the industry forever, many would have said The Getaway before mentioning Grand Theft Auto. With its realistic presentation and Guy Ritchie-inspired style, the Sony exclusive looked like it had the genre all snatched up. But looks can be deceiving, and the two PlayStation 2 installments failed to drum up much excitement. Neither the 2003 original nor its sequel, Blue Monday, were good enough to crack the best-reviewed list or bad enough to be considered one of the worst. The games were just sort of there, hanging out until the next Grand Theft Auto game pushed them into the budget bin.

This would normally be the end of our story, but Sony decided to take one more stab at the series in 2006 with a PSP spin-off called Gangs of London. This went about as well as casting Madonna in Swept Away. John sums it up this way: "Unlike the pop culture sources from which it appears to draw its inspiration, Gangs of London is not an amusing, intelligent observation of gang culture in England's capital, nor is it a wry and clever piece of social commentary women into the fabric of an enjoyable gameplay experience. It is simply a portable piece of ugliness that lacks humility, wit or any entertainment value whatsoever." Yeesh. That's one of the nastiest reviews Electronic Gaming Monthly has ever published. With an average score of 2 out of 10, Gangs of London is proper bollocks.

Bomberman: Act Zero

#2

It's not easy reinventing a long-in-the-tooth video game hero who hasn't been relevant in a decade. Just ask Bomberman. When Konami went to update Hudson's beloved character for the 2000s, they turned him into a darker, grittier hero in a dystopian future where everything sucks. In other words, Act Zero is basically the Bomberman reboot Zack Snyder always wanted. It's easy to understand why the developers thought that's what gamers wanted (especially looking at what was selling at the time), but the drastic change was too different for long-time fans and too cheesy for new players. It was an absolute bomb, in more ways than one.

Michael asked an obvious question: "Who green-lit this abomination? Now I'm a mature lad, and yes, I understand cutesy bomb-chucking characters may not be all that hip with the kiddos these days, but did the developer really need to transform Bomberman into a hackneyed Halo holocaust?" Ray absolutely hated the game, calling it Bomberman's biggest misstep of all -- "More of a misleap, really. Where, exactly, is the logic in a full-price, single-player-only Bomberman game that requires an Internet connection for multiplayer and saving stats?" Say what you will about the gritty new look and dystopian setting, the real problem with Bomberman: Act Zero is that it doesn't support single-screen multiplayer. That's the whole point of the series. It's like making a Grand Theft Auto game where you refuse to steal cars. No wonder this ill-fated Bomberman reboot averaged an explosive 2.7 out of 10.

Crime Life: Gang Wars

#1

Clearly, game developers learned all the wrong lessons from San Andreas. In the wake of Grand Theft Auto selling tens of millions of copies, you started to see a lot of gang-themed games pop up on home consoles. I'm talking about 187: Ride or Die, 50 Cent: Bulletproof and many more, all misunderstanding what people liked about Rockstar's open-world epic. The worst of the sub-genre was Crime Life: Gang Wars, a pathetically limp action game from the company that gave us American Idol and Who Wants to be a Millionaire? Crime Life is the "gangsta" equivalent of seeing your parents dab for the first time. It's almost as if they set out to make a game so lame that it effectively killed the sub-genre.

It's no surprise that Electronic Gaming Monthly loathed this game. Let's let Bryan explain why this is the worst game of 2006: "The back of the box reads, 'So you wanna be a ganster?' Oh, hell no. From Crime Life's ridiculous missions (steal "bling" so your boss can dress better, go get wasted and then beat the crap out of five nobodies) to its butt-ugly presentation, fighting for dummies combat, and horrible camera, this deeply flawed sandbox game is way overpriced, even at $20." Greg Sewart also hated the game and took aim at the atrocious presentation: "What Crime Life needs even more, though, are graphics that don't look like they were done for a PS1 budget title. Seriously, Crime Life is one of the worst-looking games to come out this year. Just another reason to stay away, I guess." It's worth mentioning that this awful San Andreas wannabe was published by Konami, which means that the company that brought you Contra and Castlevania are responsible for three of the five games on this list. Konami may have topped the best-of list with Metal Gear Solid 3: Subsistence, but with an average score of 2 out of 10, Crime Life: Gang Wars officially becomes the worst reviewed game of 2006.