As we spend Memorial Day honoring the men and women who died while serving in the U.S. military, I can't help but think about some of gaming's most beloved war franchises, like Medal of Honor and Call of Duty. But instead of talking about a series that people still like, I figured I would go back in time and talk about Army Men, a franchise that has practically been forgotten about in 2023. While time may not have been kind to 3DO's long-running series, I wondered what Electronic Gaming Monthly thought of these little toy soldiers. Did they hate this series as much as everybody else, or was there an Army Men game the Review Crew actually recommended?
In case you're wondering, Electronic Gaming Monthly reviewed a total of twelve Army Men games between 1999 and 2004. They could have covered more, but this is one of the very few franchises that EGM gave up on reviewing. After Army Men: Sarge's War, EGM handed over all future games to Seanbaby, who had his own column mocking the worst games in existence. What we're going to do today is countdown the best and worst Army Men games using Electronic Gaming Monthly's own words and scores, not including the titles humorously covered by Seanbaby. There's no editorializing here, we're going to focus on what the critics said back when these games first came out. So, go and grab a fake-plastic toy gun and paint yourself green, because we're about to go to war when EGM Ranks the Army Men series.
Army Men: Green Rogue (PlayStation 2)
#12
“This game is so obviously unfinished, so obviously rushed out the door, so obviously completely half-assed that I feel sorry for anyone who has or will come into contact with it. Personally, the idea of some old school Ikari Warriors-style shooting action sounded great; little did I know it would be saddled with amateurish graphics, next to no effects, lame power-ups and plodding, monotonous, repetitive gameplay. How about some cool bosses? Satisfying explosions? Background interaction? Different enemies? Something! Anything! Mindless fun for 15 minutes, then just mindless.” (2 out of 10)
Army Men: World War (PlayStation)
#11
“Countless glitches. Can't strafe. Dark, ugly graphics. Flawed concept. Pathetic A.I. Frustrating gameplay. Whether I cut loose with a stream of consciousness rant about Army Men: World War (and I've screamed plenty of random stuff while playing this sequel), I can't for the life of me come up with one positive thing to say. OK, many levels ARE mercifully short. And, um, the sound effects are very nice. But otherwise, the uninspired, sloppy gameplay here just ain't fun. Even the two player game – which was the best thing about the original – has been dummied down. Ugh. Stick with Medal of Honor for your warfare fix.” (2.5 out of 10)
Army Men: Sarge's Heroes 2 (Nintendo 64)
#10
“Games just don't get much blander than this one. I felt myself slipping into a coma as I trudged my way through each mind-numbing level of Army Men. I realize that little plastic army men come in only two colors, but why does the rest of the game have to be so damn ugly? I've seen more polish on a dusty desk; it just seems 3DO's goal was to slap it together and ship it out. The animation is very choppy, the controls are stiff and the enemy intelligence gives these toys a bad name. The basic idea behind this game isn't bad, but I wouldn't be caught in a foxhole – plastic or otherwise – with the development team.” (4 out of 10)
Army Men: Sarge's Heroes (Dreamcast)
#9
“What we have here is a straight-forward port of 3DO's Nintendo 64 original – which wasn't that hot to begin with. And all its little problems pop up here. Look, when I press the jump button, I wanna jump, darnit. In Sarge's Heroes, you usually need to slap jump a few times to make your character leap, and by that time he's probably heading someplace you don't want to go, like into a full sink. Control is unresponsive at exactly the wrong times, particularly when you're under attack. The only thing worth playing is the four-player mode. It moves at a good framerate, and the ol' sniper rifle's fun to use on your buds.” (4 out of 10)
Army Men: Sarge's War (GameCube)
#8
“Why blow good dinero on Sarge's War when you can replicate the experience for free? Here's how: Step 1: Dump a bag of tan toy army men in any room of your house. Step 2: Dart from one piece of furniture to another while blasting the tan toys with a cap gun. Step 3: Rearrange the toys and furniture slightly, then start again at step 2. Cha-ching! You just saved 50 bucks. Better still, you won't have to battle through this game's repetitive levels (most of which are a subtle variation of the previous stage) and deal with the iffy control. Why won't ol' Sarge shoot when I press fire? Things liven up near the end, but by then, the horrors of War had me in a glazed-eye daze.” (4.5 out of 10)
Army Men: Sarge's Heroes (Nintendo 64)
#7
“This game looks good, packs a cool story and oozes authentic battlefield conditions (big explosions, chaotic troops, etc.). And then the whole thing's spoiled by one of the worst game cameras ever. The damn camera is just too slow to pan in the direction you need. Zooming way out helps, but then the game gets choppy. If you can deal with all that frustration, you'll be rewarded with some decent missions. Too bad multiplayer isn't more exciting.” (4.6 out of 10)
Army Men: Sarge's Heroes 2 (PlayStation 2)
#6
“Whether you like Army Men games or not, Sarge's Heroes 2 comes ‘this close' to being a worthwhile purchase. Mission objectives are fair, the graphics are occasionally slick, control is decent and the variety of things to do is fine. Yet, 3DO needs to learn how to button up the things that could take their games to the next level. The A.I. is so stupid that Vicky will stand there and vacantly fire away at a crate during one early mission. The Tan Army is even worse. And why does Sarge have a real-time shadow but Vicky only gets a grey blob? Inconsistency mars what would otherwise have been a very decent game.” (5.2 out of 10)
Army Men 3D (PlayStation)
#5
“For the most part, Army Men is a fun, 3D “search and destroy” action game. But it could've been so much better with some simple tweaks. It needs: Save checkpoints, better war ambience, easier-to-read maps, a strafe move and better-controlling vehicles. On the plus side it has decent sniper action, cool weapons (especially the flamethrower) and, most importantly, a really fun two-player mode. Check it out just for that.” (5.9 out of 10)
Army Men: Air Attack (PlayStation)
#4
“This is a logical next step for the Army Men series, but the minute I see Army Men Kart, it's time to run for the hills. But seriously – this is, at least for me, one of the easiest of the Army Men games to pick up and play (and, in my opinion, the most fun of the series). Little touches like the bugs that scream “we're free” when you release them, and the ability to pick up items and drop them on your enemies just made this all the more fun to play.” (6.4 out of 10)
Army Men: RTS (PlayStation 2)
#3
“Now THIS is where the console Army Men series should be heading – the plastic material is perfect for a strategy game. But is Army Men: RTS any good? If you're not a real-time strategy general who's lived and breathed Command & Conquer on through Empire Earth on the PC, then I'd tell you this one ain't that bad. It's very basic – perfect for younger gamers or those new to the genre. The designers even made the controls and interface super friendly, so even if console-RTS war was hell for you with titles like PS1 C&C, this game should be very easy to manage. Army Men: RTS has simple gameplay, plenty of units and lots of missions; just don't expect a ton of depth.” (6.5 out of 10)
Army Men: Air Attack 2 (PlayStation)
#2
“If 3DO wants so badly for Army Men to become a decent franchise (and they obviously do), they need to stop making junk like Sarge's Heroes and put that energy toward games more like Air Attack 2. While it still goes a little overboard on the whole green plastic soldier theme, Air Attack 2 is a good improvement over the first Air Attack and is actually fun to play. The worst thing is the high camera angle, which cuts down your field of vision and makes any incoming attackers difficult to get in your sights. Fortunately, the control is simple and tight and, most importantly, the game is fun to play. 3DO take note, this is the direction Army Men should be taking.” (7 out of 10)
Army Men: Air Attack 2 (PlayStation 2)
#1
“In a sea of mediocre games for the PlayStation 2, here is one that's actually worth purchasing. Air Attack 2 is basically a clever lift of EA's Strike games, but where that franchise concentrated on strategy, this title sets its sights on arcade action. Control is tight and intuitive, levels are intelligently designed, and the graphics are surprisingly good. It's a tough one to put down, especially when you play in cooperative mode (no slowdown, kids). If there's one con, it's that the game is a bit on the easy side. But a staggering number of levels more than makes up for that. This is substantially better than any other Army Men release; Sarge might make a fan of me yet.” (7.8 out of 10)
