Prepare yourself; this article is more than a little sacrilegious. But who cares? I say if you're easily offended by talk about sins then this article is perfect for you!
If you can smell excitement in the air it's probably because this is the week of E3, the most hectic (and rewarding) time of the year for the video game industry. Each year tens of thousands of journalists, buyers, developers, and stragglers swarm southern California for the biggest video game show on the planet. It's the time when the biggest companies show off their new systems, future games, and fun accessories; a time when the entire video game industry celebrates technical advances, innovative game play, and stunning visuals. But it's not without a few dark alleys; your moral compass will be put to the test when you attend an event like this.
If it is your intention to live a righteous life that allows you to keep the moral high ground then perhaps E3 is not the place for you. With everything that goes on at an event like E3 you will no doubt run into at least one of the seven deadly sins. In case it has been awhile since you've attended church (or watched the David Fincher film), the Seven Deadly Sins are a group of vices used in early Christian teachings to educate and protect followers from basic human instincts. These sins include Lust, Envy, Greed, Gluttony, Pride, Sloth, and Wrath. If these are the types of Cardinal Sins you are trying to avoid you may want to steer clear of E3, in our research we
have found each and every one of these evils represented in their full glory. So I use this very special episode of I've Got Your Number to warn you about the evils of E3. I'm here to protect you against what could be an eternity of damnation.
Now I may not be a religious scholar, but I do know my way around the Electronic Entertainment Expo. I also know the Seven Deadly Sins and feel up to the challenge of an article like this. Please take this article as your warning against the excesses of an event like E3, let the staff of Defunct Games sacrifice their souls so you don't have to. I hope you keep these seven deadly sins in your head as you watch the E3 coverage on Defunct Games or whatever sites you visit. Just remember that we're taking one for the team, don't make us regret letting all of this sin into our lives.
Ladies and gentlemen, I offer you a wake up call in the form of The Seven Deadly Sins of E3, as brought to you by the staff of Defunct Games. Pray for us.
1. Lust
Patrick can play this Sega Activator clone all he wants but there's no way for him to take him home with him!
We can talk about how much business gets done at E3. We can talk about the huge announcements and crazy promotional stunts. We can talk about the money that goes into these huge displays. We can talk about the cool toys and goodies the companies give out. But that's not what E3 is really all about. At its core E3 is nothing more than pure Lust, the first deadly sin. You can touch ... but you cannot keep!
From the moment you touch down in Los Angeles the giant tease starts to play out. Every aspect of the show is about giving you a taste and then yanking it away from you. Your list of must-play games will quickly get whittled down by companies that only provide videos and short demos. The moment you start to fall in love with the product your time is up and it's off to something else. If you're lucky the next product you pick up will be just as good, but it seems inevitable that just as you start to love this game
My biggest fear is that instead of booth babes this year we will have nothing but costumed characters!
the demo will end. You'll be happy to be able to touch, but it won't take long before you desire to take these games home (or at least play a few more levels in peace).
This feeling only becomes more apparent when you decide to stand in one of the long lines for some big name game from Nintendo or Microsoft or somebody. In most cases these lines won't even lead you to a playable version of a game; it's often just some schmuck demonstrating how to play Halo or Half-Life (incase we forgot how to control a first-person shooter). Hey look, it's Link picking up a kitty cat. Let us play the damn game already!!
And just when you've gotten over
Oh, hello there, I guess I spoke too soon when I said all Cos-Play was bad!
the fact that you won't be able to play these games for another year (or longer) you notice that there's an entirely different type of Lust in the air ... the Booth Babes! Companies looking for that extra attraction often call up large-breasted models, toss them in revealing clothing, and then parade them up and down their booth in hopes that horny men would play their games, check out their hardware and test out their Ultimate Gamer Chair. For the most part these models generate a lot of interest, especially when it comes to men doing anything they can to get their arms around them ... for a picture (of course). But again the motto remains, at E3 you can touch but you cannot keep.
Of course this year the E3 organizers have insisted on a dress code, so this may be the end of the Booth Babe as we know them. I worry that the companies will dress the girls up in costumes inspired by the idiots that partake in cos-play conventions, making E3 look more like a Hunter S. Thompson-influenced Disneyland. I'm not sure I can stomach three days of seeing the video game equivalent of Mickey Mouse and Donald Duck roaming the halls. That's just not the E3 I signed up for.
