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Customer Laughed At by Electronic Boutique Employee over Ico Mispronunciation
General Mills Introduces Grand Theft Auto III and Resident Evil Breakfast Cereals
Maximo’s Decision to Date Lower Maintenance Women!
Dreamcast Still Thinking, Left Alone To It’s Thoughts
Creators Admit "Myst Spelled Incorrectly"
Man Falls Asleep While Waiting for the Japanese Xbox Launch
Everyone Agrees: Game Park is a Stupid Name!
Back Issues:
Vol. 1: Feb. 08, 2k2
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Dig Dug Called in to Help Find Bodies in Cremation Scandal
Rural Georgia --
Things just keep getting stranger in the Georgia crematory scandal. This week Executive Director Rudy Thomas, of the state Board of Funeral Directors and Embalmers, called in 1980’s icon Dig Dug to aide tired policemen and firemen.
The decision comes amidst controversy, however, as Mr. Do has been vocal over his superiority when it comes to digging. “It’s not fair to punish a brother just because he’s wearing a clown suit” gripes Mr. Do, “how would you feel if they discriminated against you because you’re a journalist or whatever? Dig Dug is a just a fake. He stole all his moves from me.”
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Nintendo to Introduce Cartridge Add-On for GameCube
Seattle, WA --
This week Nintendo announced to a stunned America that they were planning a Cart based peripheral for their popular GameCube system. This comes after years of speculation whether Nintendo would every fully embrace a new CD/DVD format. A Nintendo spokesman reports that “we’ve found that gamers would rather spend ten extra dollars a game than buy a $15 memory card” and adds, “gamers demand quick loading Mario adventures”. No reports on when, or if, Nintendo will attempt to phase out their mini-DVD based system, but an insider expects good things from these new carts. Currently this add unit is scheduled for a January 2003 release with one game at launch, Nintendo predicts it will retail for less than $300.
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Though Dig Dug has failed to comment over these allegations, he has managed to extend his condolences to the families of those who have been effected by this tragedy. He also wondered if it would have been “easier, and less work to actually cremate these bodies”.
So far 339 bodies have been uncovered in the backyard of the rural Georgia crematory, with Dig Dug’s help they will be able to dig further, and faster. Dig Dug is scheduled to be flown in as early as this week.
Video Games’ Richest 1% Lose Millions after Enron Collapse
Portland, OR --
This week Video Games richest characters’, including Dr. Robotnik, Lara Croft, Dr. Light, and Princess Zelda, reported losses in the upwards of 3 Billion dollars due to the collapse of Texas based energy company Enron. Specialists predict that at this rate such characters may lose all of their retirement fund.
Dr. Wily, who has made most of his money on energy bill stocks, including Enron, says that he will no longer be able to build seven robots per Mega Man adventure, and will have to rely on GameBoy Advance and PlayStation remakes until his finances Improve. Lara Croft says that everybody is over reacting. “Oh sure the world is in turmoil and many of my friends have lost millions of dollars, but it could be worse, you could be in a movie staring Angelina Jolie” Lara quips.
Dr. Robotnik may have beaten the worst of it, however, by creating his robots before the downfall of Enron. Thanks to new outside funding, the Eggman will be able to menace Sonic, Tails, and Knuckles for years (and platforms) to come.
At the end of the day, though, the current economic downturn has only effected the richest one percent, and characters like Maximo, Solid Snake, and Sid have not been too effected in comparison. “This could be the wake up call the industry needs” notes Spyro the Dragon, “this could be a blessing in disguise.”
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