What do the games Evergrace, Stupid Invaders and The Bouncer all have in common? These three terrible games were all released in 2001, but they were NOT that year's worst games. At least, not according to NEXT Generation magazine, who gave all three of these stinkers two stars out of five. As crazy as it sounds, NEXT Generation gave 25 different games a lower score than The Bouncer. I'm talking about the dreaded one-star, and today we're going to go through all of these reviews and read the meanest, nastiest and snarkiest quotes from all 25 of these supposedly awful games. This is NEXT Generation's One-Star Reviews, and these are the 25 worst games of 2001 (and a little of 2002).
Army Men: Sarge's Heroes 2 (PlayStation 2)
#1
“Sarge's gang has now made its appearance on PS2, but aside from the requisite graphical improvements, this debut is just as bland as their performance elsewhere. As with most games in this series, there are problems with the control. It's textbook bad: Jerky, twitchy, and otherwise unresponsive. Shooting's a drag, and so is selecting a weapon. Simply moving the men around and completing minor tasks can be frustrating, and the multiplayer modes are equally non-compelling. The high points are superficial: There's plenty of funny, tongue-in-cheek Toy Soldier humor, and the CG work is pretty good. Still, the time spent on the trappings would have been better spent fixing the actual gameplay.”
B-17 Flying Fortress: The Mighty 8th (PC)
#2
“Although much anticipated y the flight sim community, B-17 finally arrives as a buggy, utterly frustrating mess. Crashes, flaws, and errors pop up at nearly every turn, giving the impression that the game was never even introduced to QA, let alone given the high-intensity testing such a complex title demands. From wildly inconsistent AI to the incredible disappearing crewmembers, there is just too much wrong with B-17 to make any attempt at perseverance worthwhile. In the end, neither B-17's ambitious design nor its historical pedigree can disguise the fact that this is a bug-infested, blatantly unfinished misfire that barely deserves a second look.”
Bass Rush Dream (Dreamcast)
#3
“This is obviously meant to compete directly with Sega's fantastic arcade fishing titles, Bass Fishing and Marine Fishing. But, unfortunately, it just can't. For starters, this is a purer fishing simulation than Sega's more arcade-like offerings, meaning there are fewer fish and they're quite reluctant to strike. There's also very little to look at in the underwater environments – heck, there isn't even any music unless you have a fish on the line. Put simply, it's incredibly boring. It's sad, we love fishing games, but we can't think of a single reason to own this one. Throw it back.”
Batman Beyond: The Return of the Joker (PlayStation)
#4
“UbiSoft has released Batman Beyond for PlayStation. In a related story, Batman's creator Bob Kane will be exhumed from his grave and fitted with a newer, larger coffin that will allow him more space in which to properly roll over. The mark of a bad game is that it fails on many levels. Batman Beyond fails on every level. It shoehorns the Dark Knight detective into an insipid side-scrolling adventure that marches the parade straight down Cliché Street. It's so generic that with minimal retooling, this game could have easily starred any hero from Wolverine to Speedy Gonzalez. This is, in fact, Beyond putrid.”
Ephemeral Fantasia (PlayStation 2)
#5
“This began as a Dreamcast title before shifting to PS2, but still has the distinction of being the “first traditional RPG” for the system. Honestly, that doesn't mean a hell of a lot. RPG fans will tell you that it's not the graphics, but the storyline that counts; they obviously haven't played Ephemeral Fantasia. Unfortunately, you have to wade through choppy framerates, a mediocre battle system, first-generation Dreamcast-quality graphics, and a labyrinthine, town layout in order to find any fun in the otherwise original and clever plot. Don't be fooled by the cute characters on the box promising RPG goodness. You'll find none of it here. Keep moving.”
Freedom: First Resistance (PC)
#6
“Based on the works of Anne McCaffrey, Freedom manages to take a passable concept and turn it into a barely competent mishmash of design concepts so half-baked they collapse. The game is an odd hybrid, combining basic third-person exploration, inane dialogue trees, clunky combat and some of the worst AI this side of Daikatana. Dull, flawed and lacking in almost every area, Freedom: First Resistance is as painful and inept a game as you're likely to find. With games like these, Earth deserves to be wiped out by aliens.”
Half-Life: Blue Shift (PC)
#7
“The Half-Life udder is starting to look red and raw thanks to all the milking Sierra has been giving it. Just a few months after the unnecessary “Platinum Pak,” Sierra offers up the ridiculous Half-Life: Blue Shift, a standalone game that was originally intended for Dreamcast. Beyond the dated visuals, though, is some very boring gameplay. There are few scripted events, but many of them are poorly done, with invulnerable soldiers standing stock-still until you enter their proximity. There is no final showdown with anyone at all, and we were able to complete the adventure on the second go-‘round in less than 90 minutes. Don't bother.”
Kabuki Warriors (Xbox)
#8
“This is a good example of a really bad fighting game. While the graphics are occasionally superlative, the extremely simplistic and sluggish gameplay dooms this title from the start. All would have been well if it had been fun – or even remotely challenging. Unfortunately, even the tour mode, in which you travel to different towns to fight, can be beaten in under an hour on your first try. Look, just buy Dead or Alive 3 and forget this unhappy mess.”
Last Kingdom (PC)
#9
“The massively multiplayer online role-playing genre is dominated by three giants – EverQuest, Ultima Online and Asheron's Call. For a newcomer to break in, the game had better offer something special. Unfortunately, Last Kingdom doesn't even come close. In fact, it's ugly and boring, with minimal RPG elements and unbelievably high latency, even on a broadband connection. In this “epic” world, only 16 NPCs even exist for things like buying and selling items or offering questions, and they're so bland you could replace them with stone pedestals and no one would notice. Finally, Last Kingdom is missing one vital element – role-playing. Almost all player dialogue consists of offers to sell or auction items. Pathetic.”
Mike Tyson Boxing (PlayStation)
#10
“Already a dubious position having Mike Tyson's name on it, this boxing game goes on to offer nothing else of merit. You unlock the other eight fighters in Showcase mode, and they're standard fare except for one glaring flaw – the CPU AI is nonexistent. The versus and career modes are a different story, since opponents actually fight back – not well, but at least they true. Finally, load times are atrociously long. Although Mike Tyson's reputation would be hard pressed to get any lower, this game manages to do just that. This blows.”
Moto Racer World Tour (PlayStation)
#11
“Moto Racer World Tour is clearly an effort to siphon some of the success of Excitebike 64. But, like most of the bikes it features, this title is mired in muck. The main problem with Moto Racer is the horrible control. The bikes constantly oversteer, and though they can be slightly modified in the garage, the resulting differences are minimal. The camera only serves to worsen the poor gameplay, as it often swings so wide on a turn that the track is no longer in sight, instead treating you to a clear view of the irrelevant, pixelated background. Even if this had come out at the launch of the original PlayStation, it would have seemed weak. Its release now is absurd.”
Motocross Mania (PlayStation)
#12
“Motocross Mania originally entered the world as an average, value-priced PC game and now makes its return as a PlayStation port – in other words, a rather pricey coaster. What began as a barebones physics model has been stripped down to the marrow. You might as well be controlling a scooter, tank or gyrocopter for all the personality that's established here. On PC, it faced almost no competition. Going head-to-head against real console contenders though, Motocross Mania quickly falls behind the pack. This is a stripped down racer running on fumes – which is exactly what you'd have to be inhaling before purchasing this game.”
NBA 2Night (Dreamcast)
#13
“When it comes to sports games on next-generation consoles, it seems to be a case of feast or famine, and sadly, Konami's NBA 2 Night is another undercooked piece of software. The list of complaints here is as long as Shaquille O'Neal's wingspan, but the worst offender has to be the animation. Players appear to glide, rather than run, across the court. It's the dunking animation, however, that shows the most blatant lack of polish. The AI is severely lacking, too. A quick press of the turbo button seems to confuse the defense 90% of the time, leaving you a free path to the hoop. There's plenty more, but you get the point. This dreary effort can't tie NBA 2K1's shoelaces. Don't waste your money.”
NCAA GameBreaker 2001 (PlayStation 2)
#14
“In the world of sports games, we're often forced to choose between the lesser of two evils. For instance, take the dilemma faced by PS2 owners who also happen to be hardcore college football fans: They have to choose between GameDay 2001 and um, well, just doing without. The graphics are sub-par; the AI is clunky; the play-calling screens are unwieldy; and the game is nowhere near as deep as Madden. Simply put, GameBreaker 2001 is nearly as pathetic as the GameDay that spawned it.”
NFL GameDay 2001 (PlayStation 2)
#15
“If this is a joke, we're not laughing. We've been curious why 989 was so close-mouthed about its sports line for PlayStation 2, with no screens available, no details, not even a hype-filled press release to announce any of the games' imminent arrivals. Now we painfully understand the silence: 989 Studios has released an unfinished, uninspired, pathetic mess of a game for its loyal devotees to lap up unsuspectingly. And boy, is it going to leave a sour taste in a lot of mouths. The whole exercise is patently unforgivable, and with any luck, this review will reach you in time to stop you from wasting your money on what amounts to beta-stage software.”
Pearl Harbor: Defend the Fleet (PC)
#16
“All three of you out there who remember WizardWorks' Beach Head 2002 will find that Pearl Harbor: Defend the Fleet is exactly the same game in a different setting. For that matter, WizardWorks also has B-17 Gunner out right now, and this review could easily cover both. The graphics are only barely functional, although it's worth noting in fairness that the framerate is rock-steady. It's pretty mindless, and also more than a little mind-numbing – we can't imagine anyone playing this for more than five or ten minutes. This game is “bargain” – priced at $19.99, but frankly, even that's about twice the money it's actually worth.”
realMYST (PC)
#17
“After seven years and millions of copies, the original Myst is a gaming phenomenon unlike any other. People either love the game or they hate it, and neither side understands the other. However, realMYST is an update to the original that neither gives fans much new material nor offers anything to appeal to its detractors. Every puzzle is identical to the original. The worlds are exactly the same, and the story hasn't been changed in any way either. To recap what we said so many years ago, the storyline, explained mostly by a library of books and some video, is fine, though it hinges on a game-long red herring and features no real ending. But the puzzles make no sense and consist of nothing but pushing buttons, pulling levers and hitting switchs. With the graphics problems, fans should stick with the original version – non-fans should simply keep avoiding it.”
Shrek (Xbox)
#18
“This young-skewing platform adventure is kept from greatness by a few small things – namely, bland, broken gameplay; an uncannily counterintuitive camera; unfocused, comically haphazard level design and goals; and ho-hum sound. Simply put, this game sucks. The graphics are admittedly gorgeous. Nearly every texture in the game is beautifully bump-mapped and looks incredible. In fact, Shrek may be the best tech demo we've ever played. But as a game, in which you run around jumping onto, punching, kicking, carrying and farting upon everything in sight, Shrek is dreck.”
Silent Scope 2 (PlayStation 2)
#19
“Here's a novel idea: Take an arcade gun game and port it to a home console with no light gun support. That kind of politically correct idiocy produced the original Silent Scope, which was so stupefyingly easy it hardly mattered that the Dual Shock control scheme was awful, because you could beat the game anyway. But it's still the thinking behind the sequel, which is, as sequels tend to be, a lot harder. The result is a blueprint for frustration. The graphics are pretty bland, with occasional slowdown. The characters are laughable, and the best thing you can say about the dialogue is that it's better than Zero Wing. This is just a waste of anyone's time and money.”
Street Fighter EX3 (PlayStation 2)
#20
“While the Street Fighter series has always been the benchmark for 2D fighting games, this hasn't held true for 3D. The first thing you'll notice about EX3 is the extremely plain graphics. Although the textures are nice and sharp, the character models and backgrounds are perfectly lackluster. Of course, graphics in a fighting game don't always reflect gameplay, but the sluggish controls remain unfixed. The EX series has always fallen short of the quality of many of the 2D Street Fighter games. However, if you're a fan, you probably won't be able to stop yourself from checking it out.”
Surfing H3O (PlayStation 2)
#21
“Surfing H3O began life in Japan as Surfroids, an ugly game by anyone's reckoning that tried to grab gamers' interest with a unique controller and some zany characters. A small finger surfboard comes with the game, which you attach over the analog sticks, using your thumbs to control the surfers. An interesting premise, but it simply wasn't fun whatsoever. Sadly, the U.S. release isn't fun either. The gimmicky little surfboard is still there, and that's cool for about two minutes. Once the novelty has worn off, what's left is a game that's hard to control, uglier than most original PlayStation games, and arguably the worst PS2 game to appear stateside. Bottom line: One cute gimmick away from absolute crap.”
The Simpsons Wrestling (PlayStation)
#22
“In our E3 coverage last year, we named The Simpsons Wrestling one of the Worst of Show. Perhaps predictably, a year later, nothing has changed. Really. Imagine a ringside brawler where skill and finesse mean zip. Next, picture a set of pre-programmed special moves that serve up less impact than a midget grappler's drop kick. For the coup de grace, base everything on a combat model that operates according to staccato button mashing and little else. All this and more can be yours, complete with oh-so-mature signature moves such as Barney's belch or Apu's self-styled kick-ass kung fu. Ludicrously primitive gameplay and a botched concept will leave you punch-drunk and reeling for the ropes. In the immortal words of Homer ... D'oh!”
Timeline (PC)
#23
“Michael Crichton may spew best-selling novels and blockbuster films from his pen like a veritable pop-culture volcano, but if Timeline is anything to go by, he has some work to do before he can equal those successes in the videogame arena. Freely adapted from the novel of the same name, Timeline is truly one of the most lackluster releases to hit the PC in years, a pitiful combination of ugly visuals, dull gameplay and less challenge than your average Teletubbies edutainment title. Short, dull and ugly, this wretched trip to the Renaissance Faire should have been left on the bookshelf where it belongs.”
Torneko: The Last Hope (PlayStation)
#24
“As creators of the Dragon Warrior series, there's no doubt Enix has RPG cred. However, does mastery of old school dungeon crawlers justify this 16-bit looking game? Hell no! Chief among the game's many sins: Your experience resets to zero every time you leave a dungeon. So, with each new foray, once again you have to struggle to quickly gain a few levels before being overwhelmed by wandering monsters. Lastly, certain enemies can incapacitate Torneko indefinitely, so you're occasionally reduced to watching helplessly as a high-level Torneko gets pummeled to death by a giant carrot simply because he can't stop dancing. Forget it.”
World Destruction League: Thunder Tanks (PlayStation)
#25
“With an interesting premise and a host of heavily armed tanks, World Destruction League could have been a fun, multiplayer shrapnel fest. What it winds up being, however, is a clumsy bore of a game. The game's problems are legion. There are five different modes, but you'd be hard pressed to discern any real differences among them. The background graphics are ugly and flat, and the less said about the “outrageous commentators” the better. A passable framerate in single-player mode becomes a sloppy blinking mess in split-screen, making a two-player match nearly unplayable. Derivative plots, poor production value, and watered-down content – gee, TV shows of the future are the same as today's.”
