Pilot and Co-Pilot

It's 4 PM on a beautiful summer afternoon, my name is Cyril Lachel and you're listening to Radio Free Gaming. This is actually our first podcast so that noise you hear in the background is the last minute preparations being made to our new studio. Today on the show we have a special conversation with Apos the Man from the Future, we check in with the Christian Game Developers at their very own conference, and we attempt to unravel the biggest secrets of our universe. That and more on today's episode of Radio Free Gaming.

Thank you for joining us, my name is Cyril Lachel and you're listening to the very first episode of Radio Free Gaming. Let me start off today by saying that this episode has actually been in development for some time, but after seeing what happened to Grand Theft Auto we decided to edit most of the graphic sex out of the broadcast. Nonetheless, we have a packed show in store for you. So let's just see what came over the wire this week in a part of the show we appear to be calling what came over the wire this week.

Looks like avid non-gamer Jack Thompson has found a way to get his name into the news again. This time he is going after Electronic Arts and their hugely popular series, the Sims. As you'll recall Jack was one of the lawyers leading the charge against Grand Theft Auto: San Andreas last month. Now that the Hot Coffee has gone cold it should be no surprise to anybody that Jack has decided to go after other games in his attempt to rid the planet of anything interactive.

We hear Jack's next targets may include Resident Evil for demonic worship, Midnight Club 3 for traffic violations, and Sonic the Hedgehog for his depiction as a hip jewelry thief. He is also said to be going after Super Mario Brothers for wanton animal abuse and drug use. Here at Radio Free Gaming we are strongly against censorship, but if you're going to go after anything, perhaps it should be NARC. I'm not saying we object to any of the moral implications in the game, we just hope the people responsible will be thrown in prison so we won't have to play any more games by them.

This week saw G4 rerunning the living daylights out of G-Phoria, their very own awards show. Of course, since this event was taped weeks before the TV airing most fans already knew the outcome. The big winner of the night was Halo 2, a game that has managed to sell millions of units despite the ludicrous ending and weak story. Unfortunately the night was not a complete success as we hear Tommy Tallerico's ego was unable to fit in his reserved seat.

And those are the big stories making waves this week; we have a great show for you so stick around. We have a guy who went to the Christian Game Developers conference, plenty of viewer mail, and an interview with Apos, all coming up after these short messages.

When you hear the name Jack Thompson chances are you cringe and start looking for your pitchfork, but that's not the Jack Thompson I know. Hello, my name is Troy Phelps and I'm a close personal friend of Jack, his wife, and their beautiful children. I am here today not to speak on behalf of Jack Thompson, but to try to show you the wonderful man he really is, to show you that he's just like you and me. A warm, caring Christian man.

Oh I know it's easy to think that Jack Thompson is an evil man, what with him using the Bible to cast a bad name on video gamers. But there are a lot of things that even Grand Theft Auto lovers should know about Jack Thompson. Now this is a man who lies and cheats, but he has never killed a man and buried his body in the desert. Jack Thompson is also against all kinds of sexual intercourse with farm animals. It should be noted that he has never actually owned any slaves, but he does enjoy water sports.

I have it on good authority that Jack Thompson has never robbed a liquor store while under the influence of crystal meth. He's an upstanding member of the community and votes in just about every election. He may be a son of a bitch, but I'm here to tell you that this is a man who has only broken a few of the commandments, not all of them as some of you might think. My name is Troy Phelps and I hope you remember my words the next time you talk about Jack Thompson.

This has been paid for by the committee to make Jack Thompson seem cooler, Jack Thompson has not endorsed this advertisement in any way, but would like you to know that you can suck it.

This is Radio Free Gaming!

When you hear that music you know it can only mean one thing. We are pleased to have Apos the Man from the Future in our studios. Each week we dig up a letter from the distant past and we let Apos answer it to the delight of children and furry forest animals alike. This week Apos has decided to stop by the studios and let us know what he really thinks. Apos, how are you doing?

Let me tell you Cyril, this place is a dump!

Actually, I think it looks quite nice. Apos, why does it sound like you're on the telephone?

I'm not sure what you mean, Cyril. You know I'm sitting right next to you. What are you trying to say?

Alright, well it looks like today's letter comes to us from Electronic Gaming Monthly issue 51. This was published in October of 1993 and is from a gentleman named Thomas Ridley from Gary Indiana. He writers:

"A while back I heard on the radio that Sega was going to start a rating system for the games. I don't understand this at all. I thought Sega always took pride in themselves for their more realistic games and relatively carefree attitude when it comes to their games. Now they want to put age restrictions on the games?"

That's the question? Tommy Tommy Tommy, you poor, nearsighted bastard. Look, I've seen the future and I have a feeling you're going to need to get used to this whole rating system thing. Sure Sega are freewheeling spirits, sucking on the bosoms of some Nevada prostitute while holding up convienence stores for cash. But that doesn't mean they want Johnny law coming down on them. In the future the world will be overrun with ratings, but even that won't stop the law from trying to blame everything on us gaming types. I suggest you buy yourself a gun Thomas, because it's going to be a turbulent decade.

Wow Apos, that seems a little bleak, how can you be so sure that's what's going to happen?

Because I've lived it, Cyril. I've been through the second half of the Clinton Administration, I've seen the launch of the Dreamcast, I know whether or not Ross and Rachel get together. Look Cyril, I've seen the future and I know these ratings are here to stay.

Apos, are you afraid of people like Hillary Clinton and Jack Thompson who are trying to get the government involved in how games are rated and who can buy them?

I think you must be confused Cyril, I came on this show to answer some viewer email, not your hard hitting crap. You know what, this is just ridiculous. I'm out of here.

Alright, well ladies and gentleman, that was Apos the Man from the Future replying to a 12 year old letter. Thank you Apos.

Alright, well I think we have just enough time to check in with our religion correspondent, Joe Lucas. Last week we sent him to Portland Oregon, home of the fourth annual Christian Game Developers Conference. I hear we have him on the phone, Joe are you there? Can you hear us?

Hey Cyril, how's the first episode working out?

Can't complain Joe. I really appreciate you taking the time out of your busy schedule to attend this event. I remember going to it the first year it happened; I had a very good time and I'm sure you did as well. So Joe, what can you tell me about this year's Christian Game Developers Conference?

Well Cyril, as you would expect this year's conference was really a big gathering of Christians of all shapes and sizes. It was a large group of Jesus' faithful followers preaching the gospel and showing off their newest wares. With dozens of Bible-based products on display, the Christian Game Developers Conference was almost enough to convert even the most hardened atheist. Maybe even you Cyril.

I suspect that would be the ultimate goal for these developers, right Joe?

What's that?

To convert the non-believers to Christianity through their low-budget games, to use video games as a leverage in much the same way the Army has been using them.

Sure

Okay ... well, were there any stand out games worth talking about?

Absolutely, Cyril. There was this game all about the Bible, you played this cute little guy who was solving puzzles and learning everything you wanted to know about the scripture. It was just adorable.

Wait a second, that sounds like a few of the games I reported on a couple of years ago, what was the title?

Don't remember.

Do you know who makes it?

Nope, I didn't catch their name; but I'm pretty sure most of the programmers were Christian, though.

Hey Joe, your reporting seems a little vague; do you have any specifics about the event that might be worth talking about? I don't know, something that isn't a wild generalization?

Nope

You can't talk about anything?

Look Cyril, I'm just going to level with you. When I heard you were going to send me to this event I didn't quite know what to think. I want to help you out, but I was torn between you and my little nephews. I ended up gaming with the kids and completely forgot about the Christians.

You spent the week with your nephews??? Are you telling me that you didn't attend any of the Christian Game Developers Conference??

Man, it was a life or death emergency.

Well, in that case ...

Had you heard about this Hot Coffee thing? Apparently there's this program that allows you to watch Grand Theft Auto people having sex, it's the wildest thing! My nephews were showing it to me, they couldn't get enough of it. I couldn't believe what I was seeing, kept me entertained all week.

(Long silence) So ... you skipped the Christian Game Developers Conference because you were watching Grand Theft Auto people have sex?

It wasn't just sex, they had this game called Manhunt, it was the most gruesome thing I had ever seen! You can sneak up behind people and cut their heads clean off. It was just spectacular, it gave me a real rush of what it must be like to kill dozens of people with no remorse or regret.

So let me get this right, you decided not to meet up with the Christians because you had to watch sex in San Andreas and murder people in Manhunt??

And there was God of War ...

God of War? I just don't get it, we sent you on an assignment to meet up with the religious gamers, to show us the more spiritual side of our industry.

Well, it wasn't like the week was completely without religion; you should have seen how fast their mother yanked them to church when she saw what Kratos was doing to the naked Medusa!

Well ... I can't say it was a total success, but I want to thank you Joe for at least being honest. I guess you did lie up front, and then didn't admit it until you were cornered, but at least you ... actually, you know what, Joe you really let us down. We were going to use this as our big ending and now all the audience gets to hear is me yelling at you. It hardly seems fair.

Hey Cyril, can I just say one ...

I'd like to thank our guests for making our first episode a special one. Next time you can expect more viewer mail, more top stories, and more answers to life's biggest mystery (here's a hint, that's not jelly). Until then keep smiling and don't forget to be kind and rewind this recording when you're done. Until next time ...