You've just spent the last 360 hours of your life playing the Halo 3 beta, you were thoroughly disappointed by the crap that was Spider-Man 3, and you honestly didn't care who won American Idol. It sounds like you just barely survived May 2007! It's a month that brought us a major Rosie O'Donnell fight, the news of a new StarCraft game, and something called Final Fantasy: Dissidia. But there's no need to flash forward, Lost, because the month may be over but the fun is just getting started! This is Defunct Games RECAPPED!!, your monthly guide to the best and worst of the last 31 days. This is all the stuff you missed, all the stuff you forgot about and all the stuff you can't wait to see again! So who cares if you spent half of the month recovering from a major burn on your right hand, Defunct Games' editor Cyril Lachel, just pick up your spirit and get ready for the next challenge and then read (and listen to) all of the best articles featured on the pages of Defunct Games!
Why This Article?
Over the last six years we've spent a lot of time making fun of Electronic Gaming Monthly and Game Pro magazine. In fact, thanks to the Quartermann's terrible predictions we have turned one section of EGM into an entire show. But just because we're busy making fun of EGM that doesn't mean we aren't also going to rip other magazines apart when they deserve it. The long-running fanzine, Die Hard Game Fan, definitely deserves some of the ridicule, they've made enough untrue predictions to kill a whole zoo. In Game Fan vs. Street Fighter III we decided it might be fun to finally call the magazine on their crap, and that's one of the reasons it's the best article of May.
What kind of crap, you ask? Well, did you know that Game Fan said that Street Fighter III would be a Nintendo 64 exclusive? Or what about the one where they said that the only returning characters would be Ryu and ... Sagat?? And who can forget the time when Game Fan said that the game was going to be 3D? It's just one bad call after another; nine different rumors over three years time. When you start talking about rumors four years before the game comes out of course you're going to get a lot of information wrong, but that didn't stop Game Fan from just pulling stuff out of their butts. But you know what? We love them for it, because without these kinds of wild rumors we wouldn't have this fantastic article to offer you. Because it's funny, touching and 100% true, we feel that this month's episode of They Said WHAT?!? deserves to be put at the top of our list. This is without a doubt the best article of May 2007!
Post-Article Thoughts:
"So get this, Game Fan vs. Street Fighter III was the article that I was working on when my accident happened. Had I not caught fire this article would have probably hit in April (or the first of May), but because of excruciating pain I was forced to delay an article I basically had completed for two weeks. I suppose the good news was that this particular article wasn't time sensitive; I don't think it would have mattered much if we delayed a story about Game Fan and Street Fighter III for a few months (or even years). But I'm certainly glad we decided to run the story this month, it gave us a good article to come back with. I just hope that the editors of Game Fan don't get mad at us poking fun at their terrible, terrible rumors. I had so much fun writing this article that I'm debating whether or not I should go back and talk about other crazy Game Fan rumors, they're almost more fun than those crummy Electronic Gaming Monthly rumors. From the email I received after running this piece I would say that everybody else liked it too, so look out Game Fan, you are going to be my next big target!"
-Cyril Lachel
Why This Article?
This month marked the release of Shadowrun for the PC and Xbox 360 ... and nobody cared. That's not to say that it's a bad game (expect a full review sometime in June), but in its first week of release the game was completely overshadowed by a certain beta test that everybody is playing. All this leads us to think that Microsoft just threw Shadowrun out to die, which should disappoint the many people who spent the last couple years developing the game. In our 126th episode of the On Running Feuds we do our best to point
out all of Microsoft's bad decisions, many of which ultimately lead to this disaster result. Could all of these problems have been avoided? Well, probably not, but had they spent more time figuring out what gamers wanted and not limited their audience I think Shadowrun would have been a lot more successful. It's not often we have so many bad things to say about a single game (and a single company), yet in this Feud we actually had to leave some stuff out. It may not be the most original article of the month, but thanks to its timely release and controversial subject matter we feel that this is the second best article of May. Don't worry; I'm sure you'll let us know if we're wrong (many of you already have)!
Post-Article Thoughts:
"It's fun to get email from people who have differing opinions, but those emails tend to get depressing when they all start with "Hey Cyril, you suck." Apparently there are people that disagree with me, yet for all the emails I received, none of them actually explained what I said that was wrong. Of all the trends I started to notice, the most troubling came from the people that apparently didn't read the full article. A lot of people thought I was making fun of the original pen and paper Shadowrun, which is not what I was doing. I was also not suggesting that an online-only game was a bad idea (charging $60 for it was). And then there were a few that thought I was saying that Shadowrun was better than Halo 3, which is clearly not the case. I'm sure there were a lot of people that fully understood what I was going after, but apparently everybody that didn't decided to email me. Thanks guys."
-Cyril Lachel
Why This Article?
It's the return of Somebody Else's Podcast, the show that takes the best moments from everybody else's shows and rips them apart. Due to some injuries our regular podcast, Radio Free Gaming, was suspended for a few weeks, but we feel like this is a solid return to form. In this month's
episode we look at only two podcasts, but don't you dare be disappointed, because we're able to squeeze out a good five or six segments. Join us as we tackle GameSpot's podcast, The Hotspot, and the always reliable Games for Windows Radio. This episode tackles such weighty topics as trading in games, birthday parties, the mating ritual of MMOs, and twenty year old spoilers. It may not be the longest or most interesting podcast we've ever done, but it is certainly nice to have it back and as far as we can tell that's a good enough reason to have it on this list of the best articles of May!
Post-Article Thoughts:
"It was really a lot of fun getting back behind the mic and playing a bunch of clips from other shows. The problem I had this month was that I listed to a good 10 hours of podcasts and only found a few clips. I don't get it, are these websites trying to make better podcasts? Because if they are, then stop dammit! We need you to continue to make crappy podcasts that are easy to make fun of, that makes me job a whole lot easier. Oh well, at least we can count on GameSpot and Games for Windows Radio. If you guys aren't subscribing to GFW Radio then I don't know what's wrong with you, week after week they have the best podcast on the internet. Somebody Else's Podcast would be nothing without GFW Radio. Even if you're not a big PC gamer, GFW Radio is the best thing going ... mostly because they barely even talk about PC games. Seriously, just go and download their full shows now, you won't be sorry."
-Cyril Lachel
Why This Article?
We hate Final Fantasy XI! Don't gasp, it's not a big secret, we're not afraid to say it. Final Fantasy XI is a terrible, terrible game ... but not for the reason you might think. We're not against it because it's a massively multiplayer online role-playing game or because it's boring, we hate it because they used the number eleven after the title, suggesting that this is an official sequel and not some silly spin-off. Of course, it wouldn't be a Defunct Games article if we didn't spend fifteen
hundred words explaining why this is a bad thing, and sure enough you can expect to read a lot of us bitching about yet another stupid decision from Square. Would we still hate the game if it was called World of Final Fantasy or Final Fantasy Online Adventure? Probably, but we wouldn't have used our soapbox to tell you all about it. Regardless of whether it's just a silly complaint or a legitimate beef, A Solid Reason to Hate Final Fantasy XI deserves to be the fourth best article of May 2007 because we said so. What are you going to do about it? Yeah, that's what we thought!
Post-Article Thoughts:
"Here's another article that generated a lot of hate mail. Apparently there are a lot of Final Fantasy XI players that read Defunct Games. Who would have thought? Should I be upset to lose the Final Fantasy XI vote? Nah, because there are, what, a thousand FFXI players? It's not like I pissed off the World of WarCraft players ... now that's something I would have felt! Anyway, I feel my point still stands, I don't have a problem with the Final Fantasy XI game, I just take issue with them numbering it. This is a spin-off, plain and simple, it's not a proper sequel and I don't think anybody should take it as such. I would have much less of a problem with them giving the "XI" to Final Fantasy X-2. Speaking of Final Fantasy X-2, who on earth came up with that stupid name?"
-Cyril Lachel
Why This Article?
What can we say; we think it's funny that Sony has a man crush on the Xbox 360. Considering they've "accidentally" used Project Gotham Racing 3 to advertise the PlayStation 3 twice in the
last year, we would say that there's something going on between these two mega companies. Regardless of whether or not it made for a good article, we felt that Sony playing footsy with Microsoft was too good to ignore, so we developed this crazy article about Sony's crush on the Xbox 360. Even if you hate the entire article, the least you can do is admire our resolve to make a PlayStation 3 Gears of War cover ... I mean c'mon, that took all of two or three minutes to assemble. And because we spent so long working on the Gears of War cover we think it deserves to be considered among the best articles of this month. The fifth best to be exact!
Post-Article Thoughts:
"Okay, so this article probably wasn't necessary, but sometimes it's fun to join the crowd and make fun of poor old Sony. Talk about a company who is taking a beating, it seems like nothing they do is right, between pricing their console at $600, using a pig's head to promote games, and suggesting (twice) that Project Gotham Racing 3 was a PS3 title, Sony just can't get their act right. Hopefully this all changes as we go into the second half of 2007, at this point Sony's problems are low lying fruit, they are entirely too easy to make fun of. Come on Sony, make me work for these articles, there's no reason you should be handing me stuff that practically writes itself. Get your act together Sony, get your act together!"
-Cyril Lachel
Why This Article?
In a perfect world we want all of our Commercial Break episodes to be great, but some are better than others. America's Got Bad Advertising is a fine episode, but it probably won't rank as one of the greatest episodes of all time (which might explain why it's number six on this list). Is that because we've exhausted all
of the great advertising, or were we just out of practice after spending three weeks injured? Either way, this 37th episode is well worth reading, even if it's not the funniest text we've written. If you're a fan of looking at bad advertising (and watching us try and be funny about subjects that aren't humorous) then this episode is for you. It's a fun article, and that's why we deem this the sixth best article of May!
Post-Article Thoughts:
"I'll be honest with you; this was pretty much the first article I wrote after regaining most of the control over my hand. Every time I had to use my right hand for any typing I got a sharp shot of pain, which I suffered with throughout this entire article. Looking back at it now I realize that it's not as funny as I was hoping, but at the time I just wasn't in that funny mood. For three weeks I found it hard to do even basic things, which is enough to make you snap at friends, hate your living condition, and feel like a useless loser (even more than I already am). If I had it to do over again you would probably get a better/funnier article, but instead of rewriting an article that two or three people will see I figure I might as well just keep soldiering on. And soldier on I did, I think that the second half of this month's articles were a LOT better than what we had early in the month. It's not a terrible article, but if you hate it then there's my rock solid excuse."
-Cyril Lachel
Why This Article?
We're not going to say that This Week In Defunct Games is the worst article (articles, plural) of May, but none of us feel like it should be counted with shows like Commercial Break, On Running Feud and Radio Free Gaming. This Week In Defunct Games is just a recap show, a page that tells you about all of the
best (and worst) classic games that came out on the Xbox 360, Wii and PlayStation 3. Off topic, do you think all of the companies intended for their systems to rhyme? Anyway, this month we actually had a diverse collection of games, including Ninja Gaiden, Donkey Kong Country 2, JJ & Jeff, Castlevania and Final Fight. And best of all, this month Patrick took over the duties of This Week In Defunct Games for one whole episode, so you should read it just for that (no really, go read the thing, he spent several hours out of his life writing and posting it the least you could do is check it out). What will June bring? I guess we'll just have to wait and find out (but one of them is called Bomberman)!
Post-Article Thoughts:
"Even though these articles take awhile (between playing the games and writing about them) I really do have a lot of fun. I would also add that it's nice to have another day of retro game information on the site. Sometimes the weekends aren't enough, we need at least one more day of classic game news. Unfortunately none of the This Week episodes featured a podcast, but don't worry gang, we're bringing the audio back with a brand new co-host. Expect big changes in June ... and hopefully a whole bunch of games that are worth talking about."
-Cyril Lachel
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