Mother (2011)
Every year I go to E3 and it's the same old thing. I get mobbed by my adoring fans, women throw themselves at me and I pick up more video game swag than I know what to do with. But I'm done being that guy. This year I decided to stay home and let other people worry about the new games, systems and announcements at E3.
This year I sent my folks in my place.
I gave my mother a very important assignment, one that I knew she would enjoy - cover the three major press conferences. I expected her to take in the sights and sounds of the Sony, Microsoft and Nintendo pressers, where these companies unveil new games and hardware. With all the excitement in the air I expected big things from my mom. Unfortunately what she sent me was a lengthy screed against games, conventions, narcissism and violence. She had a strong reaction to all three events, making me wonder if I did the right thing. See for yourself.
Microsoft Xbox 360 Press Conference
My mother had nothing but bad things to say about Major Nelson!
What on God's green earth have you gotten me into? I was promised family-friendly entertainment where all I had to do was jump around. Too bad that's not what Microsoft laid out in this horrific, offensive and downright ungodly press conference. They weren't talking to the normal, everyday gamers. Microsoft was aiming this 90 minute circus directly at the heathens who will eventually bring this country (nay, WORLD!) to its knees.
It all started with a noisy demonstration of something called Modern Warfare 3. Apparently there are three of these games, which makes me weep for our society. What ever happened to the good old days of playing Cowboys and Indians? Instead of waging a
Wait until she sees The Human Centipede!
war against the United States (real classy, video game industry), maybe these kids should read a book.
This is followed up with something that can only be called "torture porn." Watching Lara Croft dangle, catch on fire, fight for her life, squeeze between rocks and impale herself was nauseating. It reminded me of that time when [my husband] accidentally rented Hostel. And those noises she makes. It sounded like that poor girl was getting raped. I imagine that this is how all Microsoft gamers feel about women, which made me feel extremely uncomfortable sitting among the masses.
FINAL GRADE - 50%: It could be Ice Cube or Ice T!
The Microsoft press conference wasn't all bad. About half way through the presentation Disney announced an interactive version of Disneyland. Apparently you get to fly through all of the most beloved rides. Best of all, you can play the entire game by simply holding out your arms and yelling "Wheeeeeeeee!!!!" It was adorable. And those kids jumping up and down having fun? Too precious.
Sadly that wholesome content was short-lived. Before long we were back to guns, guns and more guns. There were old timey guns, new-fangled guns and even guns in space. Sometimes you had to use a game joystick, while other times all that was needed was your arms. Lots of blood, gore and carnage. The audience around me was eating it up. I already regret not picking up pepper spray on the way out of LAX.
Sony PlayStation Press Conference
My mother was never a fan of Sam, Diane, Rebecca, Norm, Cliff or anybody who frequented Cheers!
While everybody else seemed to be impressed by Sony's press conference, I found myself mortified by the experience. Even before I made it into the theater, I was accosted by a woman shoving alcoholic drinks in my face. And then another. And another. I couldn't turn down the drinks fast enough. I would start explaining my faith's views on alcohol pushers, but I could tell I wasn't getting through to them. Their minds have already been warped. Besides, what kind of children's convention serves liquor? That's just immoral, and a bad start to what turned out to be a dreadfully dull press conference.
Apparently the big controversy going into this press conference was about the PSN being down for a few weeks. I don't know what that means exactly, but I hear that it prevented Sony owners from logging onto the internet or something. Honestly, this sounds ideal. Seeing all of the blood, sex and violence, it's probably for the best that these unwelcomed guests stay offline permanently. I fear what these rabid dogs
Fact: She has the hots for a certain Nathan Fillion!
would do to an innocent boy or girl who accidentally bought the wrong game. There should be a law against this. It should be illegal.
As a big fan of Firefly and Castle, I was amused that Sony made a game about Nathan Fillion's exciting life. This game was Uncharted 3, the third part of a long-running franchise. I'm not the kind of person who plays a lot of video games, but even I was blown away by the presentation. It reminded me of Indiana Jones a little bit. I'm surprised they haven't turned this series into a movie, I would actually watch it. I think they should get somebody like David O. Russell to shoot this thing with Robert De Niro and Joe Pesci. I loved The Fighter and Three Kings!
The other big announcement was the PlayStation Vita, which is some sort of handheld game system. I can certainly see the
FINAL GRADE - 0.00: Her blood alcohol level!
appeal of this system, but the name perplexes me. I get my hair done at the Vita Salon; it's a really great place (open seven days a week and walk-ins are accepted). And right next to that salon? The Vita Coffee Shoppe. Given how common this name is, I'm a little surprised that nobody had used the word "Vita" in relation to a game system. I like the name, even though the general reception seems mixed.
Get back to the alcohol; I spent much of the event worried about being assaulted by some pervert drunk off his can. Thanks to that Tomb Raider game I already know what these people think about women, and I don't think adding alcohol to the mix is a good idea. Every time I heard a scream or a large boom I cowered in terror, afraid that somebody was getting stabbed or worse. This is not how a God fearing Christian should live, this is madness.
Nintendo E3 Press Conference
Link (not Zelda)!
After being thoroughly disgusted by both the Sony and Microsoft press conferences, I didn't have high hopes for Nintendo. The buzz around the theater skewed negative, with a lot of people snickering at the lack of Wii software and the slow start to something called the 3DS. The people in front of me spent a lot of time trying to guess what successor to the Wii would be called, positing that it could be anything from Beam to Project Cafe to Nintendo. What would it be called? Regardless of the name, my interest was piqued for the first time since touching down in Los Angeles.
Obviously Nintendo wasn't about to lead with the big reveal, so we had to sit through a 45 minute Power Point presentation. Much to my surprise, I found myself wrapped up in what they showed, especially when it came to the Legend of Zelda. Nintendo spared new expense, hiring a full orchestra to perform what I was later told were pieces from the game. This is a far cry from the blips and bloops I remember coming out of Cyril's old Nintendo.
I quickly realized that I was being lulled into a false sense of security. What looked and sounded like a perfectly wholesome experience was actually the work of the Devil himself. I was horrified that the lead character in the series, Zelda, is a tomboyish lesbian who goes around killing animals. It's bad enough that this poor girl is wearing such ugly green
Light enough to hold with two hands!
clothes, but was it necessary to make her fight orcs and dragons? Maybe if she traded the armor for an apron she wouldn't have that unnatural attraction towards women. Shame on you, Nintendo.
The hits kept coming with Luigi's Mansion, a game in which some fat dude sucks up the supernatural in what appears to be a vacuum. I'm sorry, but I don't remember reading anything about that in the Bible. Between this haunted mansion and that Zelda game, I'm starting to think that Nintendo has a thing for unholy demons. Perhaps that's the reason why the Wii was so popular.
FINAL GRADE: 1 out of 5 adorable sad kittens!
Eventually Nintendo got around to announcing something called the Wii U, which rhymes with "pee ewe." This is a system with that has a large television right in the controller. No really, it's the strangest thing you'll ever see. It looks exactly like an iPad, only white and with gamer knobs. I guess Nintendo felt guilt that so many kids hurled their Wii thingumajigs through the family's large HDTVs. Apparently this system will let you draw, play board games, stay fit and even make video calls. It's exactly like my cell phone, except not useful in any way.
I came out of Nintendo's press conference depressed. It seems like no company here at E3 shares my vision of wholesome entertainment. These aren't the types of games kids should be playing, they are as offensive to me as hardcore pornography or the Harry Potter trilogy. Laugh at me all you want, but I know the truth. Games like Zelda and Luigi's Mansion are here to turn your children into Devil worshippers. I've seen this happen too many times. They are the worst of the worst.
