Life sucks around the Defunct Games offices. While the sun is out, summer is right around the corner and we're getting more viewers than ever before, I can't help but be depressed about my broken copy of Grand Theft Auto IV. It sucks; just as I'm nearing the coveted 100% complete mark I realize that my game is broken beyond repair. Now I have to take this beat-up and bruised Xbox 360 game back to my local GameStop and return it for a new one. Life sucks.

The good news is that for the most part I haven't run into any of the major problems people seem to be having with the game. Grand Theft Auto IV has always loaded fine for me, I haven't experienced and sound problems and the game has only frozen three times in more than fifty hours of gameplay. So what is the problem? Simple, my copy of GTA IV doesn't have all of the cool stuff that I keep hearing about. While my copy is good, it's clear that there's a far superior version of the game on the store shelves and I really need to get my hands on it.

And I'm not alone. From my small amount of unscientific research, I'm starting to notice that most of my friends are suffering from these defective discs. Even though they paid $60 - $90 for the game, these gamers are unable to see the truly graphic stuff that I keep hearing about on the news and from activist groups. What are we missing out on? As much fun as I've been having playing through Grand Theft Auto IV, part of me knows that I'll never truly be complete if I can't find an uncensored version of the game.

All this started when right wing water carrier Glenn Beck decided to devote 10 minutes of his show to Rockstar's newest crime simulator. In between obsessively taking Obama to task over his close ties to the "controversial" Reverend, hating Hillary Clinton because she's Hillary Clinton and bitching about everything on the TV, Glenn Beck found a few minutes to talk about what will no doubt be the top selling game of 2008. Unfortunately he was able to get his hands on the uncensored copy of GTA IV. That's why I was so disappointed to learn that in Grand Theft Auto IV "when a police officer comes after [Niko], he can either light that police officer on fire or cut him in half with a chainsaw."

Light a police officer on fire? Cut him in half?? Well, I suppose I can always blow up a police car to fry up the fuzz, but how exactly am I supposed to cut somebody in half when there's no chainsaw stores in Liberty City. This bums me out, if I knew there was a version of the game with a hardware store I would have paid extra for it, but instead I'm stuck using stupid missile launchers, AK 47s and grenades. Why does my copy suck so much?

And that's just the beginning. Mr. Beck also says that Grand Theft Auto IV is a "game that teaches our children to lie, rape, and murder." So far I've seen the lying and there's been plenty of murdering going on, but where is the rape? Not that I go looking for that kind of content; if I had a choice I definitely wouldn't "choose" to rape somebody ... but at least give me the choice. Glenn Beck says it's there, so it must be. It just isn't in the copy of the game I bought, and frankly that pisses me off.

What frustrates me the most over this situation is that nobody is reporting on what should be breaking news. Why is it that I have to turn to Glenn Beck to learn that my copy of Grand Theft Auto IV has been censored? Why isn't GameSpot, Joystiq or 1up reporting on this? This is an outrage as far as I'm concerned. This shouldn't be Glenn Beck's job. Glenn Beck's job is to make fun of Katrina victims (see: Beck on the Katrina victims) and joke about wildfires (see: Beck on the California Wildfires), I'm not expecting him to do the job of Shane Bettenhausen or Jeff Gerstmann.

I also can't find anything about this on the internet, which I find awfully strange. After all, if Glenn Beck says you can chainsaw people in half and rape women then it has to be true. Why else would he make such a claim? I'm pretty sure that this Glenn Beck fellow is a straight and narrow kind of guy; just by looking at him I can tell that he isn't the lying type. I'm sure he already knows that if he's caught lying then people will start to think he's lying about other things. We're talking about a guy who makes his living informing the masses of today's news, so if he loses his credibility he might as well not be on the television or radio. And we have proof in the way of a video, so we know that he's telling the truth. Check it out for yourself ...

You'll notice that Glenn Beck isn't the only one who got the special uncensored version of Grand Theft Auto IV. Jack Thompson also chimes in to remind us that "you can go into an adult strip club and have oral and anal sex." Are you serious? While I was on the fence about the rape stuff, I see no problem letting Niko let off some, um, steam with one of the strippers. Hell, I kind of want Niko to have a love life ... at least one of us should. But alas, my copy of GTA IV is anal sexless, and I intend to do something about it.

Earlier today I decided to take back my copy of the game and exchange it for one with the chainsaws, anal sex and, yes, the rape. I explained myself to the cashier, a teenager who sported a blank look and bad shoes. The GameStop employee said that there was only two version of Grand Theft Auto, neither of which had the things I was asking for. I explained my sources and told him my theory about how Glenn Beck couldn't be lying because it's a slippery slope that could eventually lose him his job and credibility. He didn't know what to tell me, he asked one of the other workers who just laughed at me. But I don't find this very funny; GameStop is ripping millions of gamers off by not selling them the full version of the game. Who do they think we are, Australians?

In a foul mood I came home and checked my email. After sifting through emails about penis pumps, get rich quick schemes and JoWooD Press (don't ask), I ran across a press release from MADD, the Mothers Against Drunk Driving. In the letter MADD ridicules Grand Theft Auto IV and suggests that "drunk driving is not a game and it is not a joke." MADD contends that the very fact that Rockstar's newest game features drunk driving should be enough to warrant a harsher rating. No, really, this is how they closed their press release: "MADD is calling on the Entertainment Software Ratings Board to reclassify Grand Theft Auto IV as an Adults Only game ... if not out of responsibility to society then out of respect for the millions of victims/survivors of drunk driving."

I'm sorry, but out of respect for the "millions of victims/survivors of drunk driving" maybe you shouldn't use them as political pawns. I hate to get off on a rant or anything, but perhaps it would be better to let these victims talk for themselves instead of using them to leverage your crazy points of view. Saying that Grand Theft Auto IV promotes drunk driving is like saying that Trainspotting promoted heroin and Metal Gear Solid is a story about the pros of having giant robots that can throw nuclear missiles across the world. When you drive drunk in Grand Theft Auto IV the cops are immediately after you, right from the very get-go. What's more, the game demonstrates that it's extremely (nearly impossible) to drive without hitting other cars, pedestrians and everything else on and off the road. Drunk driving is a bad thing, and this game does nothing to glamorize what is a reckless and dangerous choice. Don't drink and drive ... but at the same time don't let people who have obviously never played the game convince you not to try it out for yourself.

It was in that moment that I had an epiphany: Maybe all of these people have an ulterior motive and haven't actually played a different version of this year's biggest game. Maybe Glenn Beck really is lying when he says that people can chainsaw cops in half. Or maybe he's just confusing Grand Theft Auto IV with Gears of War (after all, they both start with the letter "G"). Maybe Jack Thompson will just say the most extreme things to convince people that they shouldn't buy the game, even if the things he says are completely fabricated. Perhaps I should stop fretting about having the wrong copy and just get back to shooting pigeons and fighting homeless men over money. In fact, that's what I'm going to do right now.