It was the early 1990s and East 17 was ready to guilt trip you to Stay Another Day. This was also the time when Remington Steele got a chance to enjoy his martinis shaken, not stirred, BBC One tracked down people who Can't Cook, Won't Cook, and Chester Cheetah found a whole new way to advertise junk food to kids.
Hello, my name is Cyril, and this is the newest episode of Super Play's Top 600, the show where we read the verdicts and count down every review published in the pages of Super Play magazine. Even if that means almost having my own show taken away from me. We left off with game 451, which means that today we'll be focusing our attention on 450 - 401. This is an absolutely crazy episode, and I'm not even talking about that attempted coup you just saw, so let's dive right into the next fifty games in our Super NES countdown.
#450: Mohawk and Headphone Jack
46%
If as much attention had been paid to its core gameplay as so very obviously has on its technical content, Mohawk could have been a tidy little game. There's some nifty stuff going on here, but it's wasted on such insipid gameplay.
#449: The Combatribes
57%
I was never very impressed with the coin-op original, and this is a similar story. The clever and funny boss-vs-boss one-on-one mode saves things a bit, but otherwise short levels and limited moves equal a remarkably non-essential buy.
#448: Arcus Odyssey
57%
Um, is that it? Is that all there is? Take the game away and bring it back when it's finished.
#447: Hit the Ice
58%
Despite some great characters and hilarious animation, the laughably jerky scrolling, poor control and, for much of the time, virtually undetectable puck let it down considerably.
#446: Shanghai 2
58%
So, although you'd have to be completely mad to actually fork over forty-five quid for this yourself, if someone walks up to you in the street and presses a copy into your hand, thank them and take it straight home.
#445: Adventures of Dr. Franken
58%
Composed of familiar bits and pieces, the result is a shambling, inarticulate monster that fails to impart any sympathy for its condition. How apt.
#444: Cosmo Gang: The Puzzle
58%
Slick, colourful puzzle with a high novelty factor. Doesn't push you or your SNES, though, and is ultimately cupboard-fodder.
#443: Caveman Ninja 2
58%
This isn't terrible, but there's such a big crowd of Super Nintendo platform games that Caveman Ninja 2 doesn't have a hope of standing out from it. Lots of challenge, though.
#442: Skuljagger
58%
A flat-looking, easy, repetitive, platform game that provides some short-term laughs, but little more. Bubble gum bits are weird more than anything.
#441: Space Ace
58%
As dog's dinners go this is a Christmas lunch at Battersea. It perfectly combines all the things I hate in video games.
#440: Zoku: The Legend of Bishin
58%
A shallow and lacklustre effort which attempts to mix two popular game styles with very little success. Avoid.
#439: Test Drive II: The Duel
58%
Firmly rooted in its computer game origins, this looks out of place on the SNES, even though it's a good conversion.
#438: Bugs Bunny Rabbit Rampage
58%
Despite the extra megabits this is just another mediocre Sunsoft platformer riding on a popular cartoon license. And th-th-th-that's all, folks.
#437: Chester Cheetah
58%
Over-colorful graphics will please the kids, but this is no star in the gameplay department. It's just too slow and plodding.
#436: Rival Turf
58%
All right-ish, and it will earn its fans, but not a game to rush out and buy.
#435: Magic Sword
58%
An awful game, basically. (All right, it is kind of quite good fun in a way, if you sort of look sideways at it and squint.)
#434: Venom & Spider-Man: Separation Anxiety
58%
A plodding, directionless scrolling beat 'em up that's fun in two-player mode, but ultimately does Spidey -- or SNES owners -- few favours.
#433: Ultra Baseball
59%
Not a huge advance over Baseball Simulator 1000.
#432: NBA All-Star Challenge
59%
A great looking and smoothly playing basketball game, but, with its 100% commitment to the one-on-one game, it perhaps isn't for everyone.
#431: Kevin Keegan Player Manager
59%
Dull. With the added bonus of an uncontrollable football game thrown in. You didn't buy a SNES to play games like this.
#430: The Flintstones
59%
Not a bad game per se, just an average one -- something that the SNES has quite enough of already, thank you very much.
#429: Suzuka 8 Hour
59%
The title promises much, but the execution is severely flawed. It's slow, hard to get into and just lacks any freshness at all.
#428: The Terminator
59%
The Terminator license has plenty of potential, so it's a bit of a shame to see such a lacklustre game based on it. Plenty of action, but old-fashioned graphics, repetitive gameplay and a lack of imagination -- plus assorted glaring faults -- combine to create a very ho hum game. Mindscape seems to be relying on the name alone for pulling power here -- never a happy state of affairs.
#427: Gunforce
59%
If Contra III was Paul Merton, Gunforce would be Bobby Ball. Not recommended.
#426: Run Saber
59%
A Strider wannabe that's not really up to much. Nice in places, but miles too easy to finish.
#425: Stargate
60%
Just like the film, only with all the grand spectacle missed out which, uh, was ... the ... only ... good ... thing ... about ... it ... oh dear, oh dear.
#424: Asterix & Obelix
60%
You'll either complete it out of sheer determination or overwhelming boredom. Either way, you'll wonder why you bothered.
#423: PGA Tour Golf
60%
Not the best golf game on the Super Nintendo, but a reasonable stop-gap until something better makes it over to this country.
#422: Primal Rage
60%
A very average conversion of a very average beat 'em up. It's calculated, yes, but with dinosaurs, gore and morbid humour it does at least pull all the right strings.
#421: Speed World
60%
Speed World is packed with enough options to satisfy even the most committed anorak so it's such a shame that it plays like a dog. Okay, it looks good, but then again, so do many cheeses and you wouldn't spend £50 on them.
#420: Rushing Beat Run
60%
Well, it's another scrolling beat 'em up, innit? It looks a bit smarter than most, but is just as boring as these things always are, and can only be recommended to committed fans.
#419: Super Cup Soccer 2
60%
Yet another Japanese football simulation which offers very little in its bid to beat the hordes of contenders already out there.
#418: Time Slip
60%
A poorly-executed Contra Spirits clone that's fun for a bit, but only because of what it has borrowed so shamelessly.
#417: USA Ice Hockey
60%
Looks nice, but doesn't play too well. NHLPA is still the ice hockey game to go for.
#416: Wolverine: Adamantium Rage
60%
Apart from the brilliantly animated main sprite there's nothing that distinguishes the game at all. It never gets it claws in.
#415: Wing Commander
60%
It's a solid representation of the PC original considering the Super NES's 3D limitations, so fans will love it. However, we can't help feeling the original was vastly over-rated, translating into a very average Super Nintendo game.
#414: Mario's Time Machine
60%
Mario's Time Machine hasn't got enough depth on the education side, nor is it that entertaining. It would work better as a sequel to Mario Is Missing in an adventure format, with a little quiz after you've visited each person. This really needs a bit more variety to lift it out of the doldrums.
#413: The Pagemaster
61%
Oh dear, another insipid license tie-in thing. Dull, unoriginal, and not even very pretty. (And that's just the title screen. Ho ho.)
#412: Chuck Rock
61%
Whether it's down to the uninspired graphics, the lack of a password system or the charmless central character I'm not entirely sure, but Chuck Rock didn't do an awful lot for me.
#411: Super Strike Eagle
61%
A real letdown next to its Amiga- and PC-based namesakes. It has its moments, but they're few and far between.
#410: Jelly Boy
61%
Inspired, beautiful and exciting. All words which are as applicable to Jelly Boy as dainty is to Cyril Smith's Y-fronts. Look elsewhere for a good solid platformer.
#409: Super Back to the Future Part II
61%
A bit odd, and a bit crap as well. Rather a shame, really.
#408: Batman Forever
61%
A great deal of effort has clearly been expended in making Batman Forever look the part. And, on paper at least, it seems to have all the ingredients of the ultimate scrolling beat 'em up. But it's no fun.
#407: Tin Star
61%
A good idea spoiled by a lack of levels to get your teeth into, and a rather linear vein to the ones that are in there already.
#406: Ghost of Kitaro
61%
The graphics are good. But it doesn't play very well. And it's all a bit weird and Japanese.
#405: Pro Quarterback
62%
A lightweight American football game, with attractive Mode 7 graphics, but many glitches and unworkable strategy.
#404: Paladin's Quest
62%
8-bit in appearance, this RPG looks distinctly antiquated after Secret of Mana. It would cost a lot less on a NES, though ..."
#403: New Horizons
62%
One of Koei's more accessible titles to date, but only cautiously recommended even to fellow stratoraks. Normal people should flee in terror.
#402: GP-1
62%
A no-frills motorbike racing game that could really do with some. Frills, that is.
#401: Mega Man Soccer
62%
There's no hint at FIFA International Soccer's reality, no sign of Sensible Soccer's speed and not a whiff of World Cup Striker's options galore ... oh, and the gameplay stinks.
So, what did we learn this episode? While it's not a trend, I do want to point out the last review we just saw. The one for Mega Man Soccer. There is such a discrepancy between the American reviews for this weird spin-off and the British reviews. The American critics all wrote reviews that complained that it wasn't fun, but, y'know, it's soccer, so who cares, right? While the British critics seemed genuinely pissed off at Mega Man Soccer. If you read the full Super Play review or any other take from the UK, you'll see them going into fine detail about why they were disappointed. I mean, the review I just read name drops three different soccer franchises. I'm not even sure the American critics could tell you the difference between FIFA, Sensible Soccer and Legendary Eleven Strikers. I mean, I just made the last game up and nobody at Electronic Gaming Monthly even noticed. On the flip side, pay attention to the passive aggressive comments Super Play says about every baseball game. Even the good ones.
But let's not get too hung up on sports, because we're only a third of the way through our countdown. We'll be back on December 7th to go through another 50 games, which should get us up to number 351. We're going to start breaking into the games that ranked 70% and above, which means that Super Play might actually have something good to say about a game. No, seriously, they aren't always as negative as these last four episodes suggest. For now, I need to figure out where I am before a werewolf attacks me. I've seen movies.