It's the 1990s and no matter where you're headed, Republica is 'Ready to Go." This was also the time when Mr. Bean got tangled up in The Thin Blue Line, Gwyneth Paltrow trains to be the next Hawkeye in Emma and Charles Barkley just wants you to Shut Up and Jam.
Hello, my name is Cyril, and that's just one of the Super NES games we're going to be talking about as we continue our journey through Super Play's Top 600. This is the show where we're reading the verdicts and counting down every review published in the pages of Super Play magazine. Even if that means coming back to Victorian era London to set up a plot point that may or may not be paid off later. We left off last week with number 301, which means that we're finally in the good half of the list. Specifically, 300 - 251. But let's not waste time, because we don't have a second to spare. Join me as I take a very quick stroll through another fifty Super NES games.
#300: Great Circus Mystery Starring Mickey & Minnie
73%
It does have a simultaneous two-player option, and those graphics are lovely, but it's too similar to the first game in both styling and ease of completion to make it a really good buy.
#299: Charles Barkley Shut Up and Jam!
73%
Basketball is a tough enough sport to simulate without taking away the rules. What makes NBA Jam so good was realism mixed with the utter stupidity of it all. Charles Barkley seems to take itself too seriously and frankly just isn't much fun.
#298: Lamborghini American Challenge
73%
There's a nice sense of speed (212 mph, to be precise) and once you get into it you'll want to play on. Not perfect, but not too shabby, either, this one.
#297: Battle Cars
73%
An odd cross-pollination of F-Zero and Rock 'n Roll Racing which works well as a one-player game, but drops far short of the mark in two-player mode.
#296: Jaki Crush
73%
Reasonable fun, and quite attractive in places, but far too slow to get the adrenalin flowing. If you've got a UK machine with an adaptor, especially, give it a miss -- it's even slower. (Perhaps they'll speed it up if it gets a UK release.)
#295: World Class Rugby
74%
Rugby has none of the failings of, say, Kick Off, and will be great for fans. The rest of us will find it a bit stop/start, however.
#294: Super WWF
74%
It's really slick, and brilliant fun for a bit, but there's very little game behind the graphics.
#293: Super High Impact
74%
Rather to my surprise, this all adds up to a game I rather enjoyed playing, though I wasn't expecting to. Hardcore Madden fans may scoff, but I think this is actually really rather good.
#292: True Lies
74%
Quite a bit of exciting blasting, but frustration will creep in when you can't get the angles exactly right. Learn where everyone is and you'll go far. But make sure you want to.
#291: SeaQuest DSV
74%
Despite its fair share of minor annoyances that threaten to scupper it, SeaQuest just about stays afloat, providing an appealing mix of (sedate) strategy, shoot 'em up and sim action.
#290: Gods
74%
Gods has a very different feel to most SNES platform games, and that's no bad thing. It's got a lot more depth, too, but the gameplay's so repetitive you might get bored before you explore the many subtly-hidden features. Stick with it, though, and this'll last you ages.
#289: Mr. Tuff
74%
Mr. Tuff? Mr. Fairly Standard Platform Game With a Few Nice Touches But Overall Rather Samey and Too Easy, I'd call it.
#288: Bonkers
74%
It doesn't break any new ground, but that doesn't necessarily mean it's a bad thing. Bonkers is a well-worked, appealing cuddly little game, with a smattering of cartoon high-jinks in for good measure. Even if he is a cop.
#287: King of the Monsters 2
74%
A suitably silly combat game that's bound to appeal to Godzilla fans. Although it's very enjoyable, the joke wears a bit thin all too quickly. It's sort of Rampage meets Street Fighter II, but nowhere near as much fun as either.
#286: Top Gear 2
74%
The original Top Gear looked a bit old fashioned even when it first came out, and it'd be lucky to get over a 70% if we reviewed it again now. The sequel is slightly more sophisticated, and has more features, but still looks a little behind the times.
#285: Hagane
74%
Hagane is as traditional as Yorkshire Pudding, as tough as liquorice sticks you get from the greengrocers and mildly enjoyable in a 'haven't-I-seen-you-somewhere-before?' sort of way. Something linear though, ultimately you progress through practice parrot-fashion which disappoints.
#284: Nolan Ryan's Baseball
75%
Smart, slick, solid and really quite good fun.
#283: Demolition Man
75%
It's crude in places, shaky in others and certainly has frustrating moments, but Demolition Man pulls itself back from the brink by including a number of inventive touches.
#282: Dragon Ball Z 2
75%
If you like manga action then this delivers the goods in a big way. As a beat 'em up it's fun for a while, but no great shakes.
#281: Addams Family Values
75%
Gomez and his flashing blade might have served better than Fester for the action elements, but the action puzzle/RPG hardcore will find it worth a delve.
#280: Pinball Dreams
75%
An utterly perfunctory conversion of an overrated hit, which was crying out for major improvements during its journey to the SNES. But no-one was listening.
#279: Magic Boy
75%
There's plenty of enjoyable moments in here, albeit interspersed with a certain amount of teeth-grindingly annoying ones. Overall, though, not bad at all.
#278: Prime Goal
75%
Lots of J-League flavour, and it plays a great game of footy. But the inexplicable lack of speed will spoil it for most people.
#277: Super Adventure Island
75%
Brash, with a nauseating character, but brilliant fun and very nice to look at.
#276: Urban Strike
75%
This instalment of the popular Strike series is let down by dodgy controls and glitchy movement. It's a shame, because deep down there's a cracking game.
#275: The Firemen
75%
Original, fun and quite tricky. But the lack of variety gets boring and you'll wish for some extras to keep your interest.
#274: Super BC Kid
75%
A huge game with more humour, surprises and fun than an average episode of Tiswas. Unfortunately, like Tiswas, it has a very limited lifespan.
#273: Nosferatu
75%
Nosferatu isn't nearly the game it should have been. The graphics, sound and presentation are all present and refreshingly correct. Absent? Fresh gameplay ideas, responsiveness and rewarding gameplay. It's doubtless some will still enjoy it, though.
#272: Weaponlord
75%
Its better aspects are those that crib, imperfectly, from Street Fighter -- sigh -- but for all its terrible faults, it's not unamusing.
#271: Final Fight 2
75%
A bit of a disappointment all round, really. A great scrolling beat 'em up, but nothing we haven't seen before, and too easy.
#270: Jimmy Houston's Bass Tournament USA
76%
Okay, so it's neither action packed nor particularly revolutionary, but Bass Tournament USA does hold some bizarre fascination for those looking for something a bit different to plug into their SNES. There's certainly a lot more to do here than in Bassin's Black Bass. Doom fanatics, however, need not apply.
#269: Pink Goes to Hollywood
76%
Dedicated Panther fans will be tickled pink (sorry). Others could do worse.
#268: NFL Football
76%
It's not as good as Madden '93, and nowhere near as good as Madden '94 will be (when it finally comes out). And who needs more than one American football game, anyway?
#267: Yoshi's Cookie
76%
A well-presented, but simple, puzzle game that maintains the quality of the Mario line. But it's the variety offered by the three gameplay options, rather than any inherent depth to the game itself, that will decide its longevity.
#266: Volleyball Twin
76%
Perfectly decent two-player volleyball game that could have been made better, but really suffers from the simple fact that it's about volleyball. Great for fans, and playable (though not essential) for the rest of us.
#265: Jim Power: The Lost Dimension in 3D
76%
An attempt at 3D which really works. But once you've oohed and aahed over it, the game underneath is another platformer. Still, a brave attempted and 3D could well be something we'll be seeing a lot more of.
#264: Prehistorik Man
76%
A decent and -- oh, alright then -- polished platformer all the way that doesn't rely on gimmicks or licenses. But where's the spark?
#263: Top Gear
76%
A neat little game this one, but you just have to say 'Mario Kart' and it runs into the corner, shivering. It's just not in the same league.
#262: Blackhawk
76%
Two words: Flashback and clone. Demanding gun-toting fun while it lasts, except that it doesn't. Cup of tea, sir?
#261: Fatal Fury
76%
Well, it's not, is it? Street Fighter II, I mean. Yes, it's got the graphics (almost), but that's about it -- the gameplay struggles hard, but still doesn't compare. That said, however, this is still the best of the current crop of pretenders.
#260: Star Trek: Starfleet Academy
77%
Far too slow, and steeped in the usual Star Trek nonsense, but reasonably enjoyable for all that. It's not going to make you explode in joy, though.
#259: Pro Baseball League '93
77%
Sure, it's another baseball game. But it's a really good one!
#258: Excite Stage '95
77%
While this improves on the original version in many areas, the overbearing shadow of International Superstar Soccer will prevent it making any lasting impression on the SNES soccer scene.
#257: Mechwarrior 3050
77%
The tallest power-crazed destructathon on two legs, tripped up by a chronically short and stumpy lifespan.
#256: Power Monger
77%
A great strategy game, but it's very complicated and takes ages to get into, and lots of people will consequently find it really boring.
#255: Super International Cricket
77%
A thoroughly entertaining and amusing cricket sim, if occasionally limiting, sounds about right. Yes.
#254: Troy Aikman NFL Football
77%
It looks pretty manky, but it plays well enough. But it's a bit too complex for US footie novices.
#253: Young Merlin
77%
Young Merlin's enjoyable but not engrossing. It's big but you won't get lost. It's puzzley but rarely brain-wracking. It's fun but not big fun. It's average.
#252: World Heroes
77%
Well, it's all right in itself (if a pretty disgraceful rip-off of someone else's idea), but you'd have to be completely bonkers to buy it.
#251: Dirt Trax FX
77%
If Sculptured had put as much effort into the game as they did in making (admittedly excellent) use of the Super FX chip, Dirt Trax FX would be a stormer. As it is, it falls a fair way short.
So, what did we learn in this episode? Well, we learned that Doom fans should definitely not buy a slow-paced fishing game, because, y'know, it's slow and not in-your-face action. Look, maybe this is something that only annoys me, but I hate this kind of review cliché. We get it, some games are niche and won't appeal to everybody, but you never see it the other way. It's never "Chessmaster fanatics should probably avoid Street Fighter II." And really, who knows if that's even true. I mean, I like fast-paced action games and slower-paced simulators, and I doubt I'm the only one. That's the great thing about gaming, it can scratch a bunch of different itches you didn't even know you had. And on a completely different note: Is Super Play's review Bonkers the first instance of ACAB? No, seriously.
One thing I know for sure is that we're finally in the second half of the countdown, which is when things should be turning more positive. I mean, we ended today's episode at 77%, so we'll probably be seeing 80% next episode. You can tune in for that on Friday, December 17th, when we'll be counting down 250 - 201. We're setting things up for the end game, which means that we're dangerously close to the new year. For now, I need to find a way back to Lorne, who is still in the present day. See you on Friday for more Super Play's Top 600. Now, how do I get out of this era?