DECEMBER 2003: What's this Lord of the Rings thing you speak of?
The look, logo, staff, and consoles may have changed, but there's one thing that has remained the same since the very first issue of Electronic Gaming Monthly nearly 20 years ago. And that is Quartermann, the man you call on when you want rumors, gossip, and speculation. Although his write up has gone under a number of different titles, a rumor section has appeared in every one of EGM's 200 plus issues. But what if I were to tell you that this rumor monger's facts were spotty, at best? What if I were to tell you that the rumors, while juicy, are often incorrect? Well ... that's precisely what I'm about to tell you, and to prove it we're prepared to look at his rumors one magazine at a time.
Over the past few months I have been avoiding going back and making fun of Electronic Gaming Monthly, I wanted to give the magazine's untimely death a little while to sink in. However, now that two months separates us from the closing, I feel like maybe it's time to ease ourselves back into making fun of Quartermann. After all, I know him and I can tell you right now that this guy has an even better job somewhere in the games industry. And that's not a rumor, that's the triple truth, Ruth! So instead of feeling sorry for the loss of Electronic Gaming Monthly (and perhaps the death of print media altogether), I invite you to check out this incredibly short episode of They Said WHAT?!? In the December 2003 issue the Quartermann only had four rumors, but at least two of them were bat-shit crazy. Find out for yourself when we dig into EGM's 173rd issue.
Rumor #1 - PSP on Your PlayStation 3?
"Let's kick things off with a real humdinger. By now, we all know that PlayStation 3 exists (it's shocking, I know). What you don't know is htat if all goes well, PS3 will be the ultimate box of all things PlayStation. The Q has picked up transmissions
It's times like this that make me ask the question: WHERE THE HELL IS GRAN TURISMO PSP???
that indicate it will not only be backwards-compatible with both PlayStations 1 and 2 but will also include the ability to play portable PSP titles out of the box so that you can play at home as well as on the road. (Think Game Boy Player, but without having to spend an extra 50 bucks.) Now that's something to get excited about."
Reality:
The Quartermann must have had the easiest job at Electronic Gaming Monthly. He gets a full page to himself and all he has to do is pull a few rumors out of thin air. It's even easier when the rumors are about a game console that doesn't come out for another three (that's right, THREE) years. You can say just about anything you want to about a system when it's not scheduled for release until three years after you go to print. With the excitement
Some people sure are rough on their electronics!
of the PlayStation 3, who is going to remember that the Q-mann predicted that the Blu-ray playing game console would also run UMD software?
But regardless of whether people remembered it or not, it is what Quartermann said back in 2003. Of course, back then he didn't know what a UMD was. You see, when this was written there was very little information about Sony's portable PlayStation. All we knew at the time was that Sony had one in development and was naming it the PSP. We didn't know about memory cards, UMD discs or any other important information. Apparently the Q-mann thought that the PSP would play some sort of standard disc medium, instead of the enclosed disc that PSP owners have become all too familiar with. Even if the disc was smaller in size, it stood to reason that maybe it could be loaded into the PlayStation 3. Of course, anybody that owns either a PS3 or a PSP already knows that the two are not compatible, unless you're talking about pairing it up to control Lair. Besides, now that you can hook the PSP up to the television, who needs to play PSP games on a PlayStation 3?
Rumor #2 - Wii > Xbox 360 > PlayStation 3?
"Speaking of PS3, it seems this uber-machine may not be here as soon as we all think. Sony has reportedly decided to wait and get the system out second or third, while Nintendo seems keen on having the first new machine out of the gate, with Microsoft's Xbox 2 close behind. So while work continues on PS3 and its first games are in the planning stages, don't get too hyped about it yet."
Reality:
Now, let's say we knocked Quartermann out and then froze him until right now. He gets out of that cryogenic freezer and looks at the three current generation consoles. He sees
Which line do you think has more virgins, this Nintendo Wii launch line or the Star Wars Episode I lines? (Answer: Both)
the Xbox 360, he plays a few games on the PlayStation 3 and he waves his hands around at the Wii. Now that he's seen and experienced all of these consoles, do you think he feels confident in his prediction?
I bet he's feeling pretty cocky with this 2003 rumor. He sees that the Wii doesn't look as good as the other two systems and doesn't seem to have full HD support. He sees that the PlayStation 3 has motion controls, which means that it obviously came out after the Nintendo Wii. And then there's the Xbox 360, which seems to have all of the best first- and third-party exclusives. He feels that he guessed right all those years ago. First to the scene was Nintendo, followed soon after by Microsoft's Xbox 2 (aka Xbox 360) and then the PlayStation 3. That's the order, right?
Wrong! Believe it or not, the Nintendo Wii was the third and final system released this generation. It came out on November 19, 2006, exactly eight days after the PlayStation 3. That's right; Wii is the newest console, despite its crappy graphics and poor HD support. And then there's the Xbox 360, which came out a full year before those other two systems. This is yet another one of those rumors that is easy to disprove, we just had to wait until all of the companies revealed their launch schedule. Sorry Q, but you were 0 for 3 when it came to the order of system launches.
Rumor #3 - More Fire Emblem, Please!
"Ever since sword-wielding combatants Roy and Marth appeared in Nintendo's GameCube brawler Super Smash Bros. Melee, we've all wanted a U.S. Fire Emblem. Now we have it (the just-released Emblem for GBA -- see review, page
Cosplay is only cool if nobody actually knows what you're dressing up as!
236). But check this out -- the title U.S. gamers are playing is actually a
prequel to an earlier GBA game released in Japan, produced over here mostly so that U.S. players will "get" the whole story. Whether we'll have the opportunity to play the "real" game as well depends on this release's sales. So ... go buy it, ya scrub."
Reality:
So ... is this supposed to be a rumor? When I read this quote it sounds like a bunch of facts. For examples, Roy and Marth were indeed in Super Smash Bros. Melee. What's more, in 2003 American gamers finally got a port of a Game Boy Advance game. Quartermann is also correct when he says that the American GBA Fire Emblem is actually a remake. Where he starts to lose me is when he claims that maybe we'll get the "real" game, as if the prequel isn't actually a real game. Unfortunately we didn't get a remake of that 2002 Fire Emblem, but we did get a number of other ports (including games for the Wii, Nintendo DS and GameCube). So, he's right in the sense that if the GBA Fire Emblem sells well enough Nintendo will bring out more games in the series. Then again, that's not much of a rumor. You're not exactly going out on a limb when you suggest that if a game is successful they will want to make more of them. It would be a real prediction if he suggested that a top selling game would NOT have a sequel. Now that's a rumor I would like to read.
Rumor #4 - Shhh, Q is Hearing Things Again!
There's less going on in this Darkstarlkers picture than in this crummy rumor!
"It's been a few years since Tecmo's booby-trap horror-simulator series Deception has a new installment, but the Q hears whispers that a next-gen incarnation of the series is right around the corner. Yep, that one right there ... go ahead, keep walking ... now turn -- I didn't set any traps there ... Mwuahahahahaha!"
Reality:
The Q-meister sure does like to end on a high note. After fumbling all around with the PlayStation and Fire Emblem rumors, he saves face by talking about a "next-gen" Deception game. It's true; Tecmo was working on that game. It was called Trapt (or, Kagero II: Dark Illusion, depending on what part of the world you were in) and came out in 2005. Unfortunately the game was plagued by some camera issues and many critics felt that it wasn't a strong follow-up. To its credit, there were plenty of critics who understood and appreciated what Tecmo was trying to do, but that positive press didn't translate into big sales. To this day Tecmo has kept mum about any future Deception games, but given the last game's poor reception I wouldn't go holding your breath. Congratulations, Quartermann, you managed to get one of your four rumors right. Better luck next time, Q-mann.
