Sega Visions, I Don't Believe You

Reality: So let me get this right, Shawn "Slim" Stockman has several of the biggest hits of the 1990s, has millions of women throwing themselves at him, has enough money to do whatever he wants, can get into any place his heart desires and is famous beyond believe ... and all he does is sit at home and play John Madden '92 and Decap Attack? I won't lie to you, this kind of depresses me. I know why I do that, but there's no excuse for this guy to just lounge at home when he could be out there doing something exciting.

But I digress. My problem isn't what he does with his money, given how quickly everybody forgot about them, perhaps it's best he stayed at home saving money. The problem I have is believing that he would go into what sounds like a Sega Visions preview for Decap Attack. Go back and read it again, I think you'll agree that the second half of the quote feels awkwardly out of place. All of a sudden he become GameFAQs? Perhaps that's the reason you're staying home at night, because you're even geekier than the game journalist interviewing you. Either that or you didn't actually say any of this. Either way, Sega Visions, I don't believe you.

Reality: Oh Electronic Gaming Monthly, why did you have to go and say something stupid like that? There's no way the Sega Channel was going to top $200. All you're doing is giving Sega Visions ammunition to take down your credibility. It shouldn't surprise you that Sega Visions responded in the cattiest way possible. "While EGM sometimes scoops the other magazines with industry news, it doesn't always get the story right. That's the danger with always trying to be the first with the hot news -- the earlier the information, the less likely it is to be complete or accurate. We think the editors of EGM should have read the Sega Visions article before going to press with a ridiculous "scoop." Meow!

There's just one small problem -- EGM never said that the Sega Channel would top $200. Maybe "K.V." isn't good at reading comprehension; he didn't exactly come off as a scholar in his letter. Or perhaps he just remembered it wrong. After all, he's referencing a news piece that happened nearly a year earlier. I have to wonder why it took so long for him to compose this teeny tiny letter and send it to Sega Visions.

Because he gave the month and year, tracking down the original EGM write-up was a breeze. The extremely short piece (less than a quarter of the page) didn't mention a price, but made a few allusions to where the eventual price tag could land. "The Sega Channel, to be priced in the range of most pay-cable subscription services, will be launched in test markets this fall." That didn't say anything about a $200 fee, if anything it reinforces what Sega Visions is saying. EGM concluded by clarifying that "no price has been set."

It doesn't matter why or how "K.V." got it so wrong. I'm fine with him remembering history with his own unique spin, I'm certainly guilty of that. But Sega Visions should have double checked the veracity of the claims. In this case they look bad for questioning EGM's accuracy, and for that they should have issued a correction. With facts on my side, I find it hard to believe you, SegaVisions.

Reality: You heard him; Greendog can be whatever you want him to be. He walks the middle nine. He can bungee jump or ride a jet ski. He is everybody, and everybody is he. Part of me expects Ric Green to gush like this. After all, he did create the character and has every right to be as hyperbolic as necessary. But Sega Visions, I don't believe you. There's no way that this crappy character is all of these things. Greendog is NOT the protector of our pop culture. That's a bridge too far.

See, I don't believe Greendog is as interchangeable as Ric Green would like you to believe. This slang-spewing surfer dude doesn't represent me. And I have a hunch he doesn't represent a lot of other non-athletic video game players. If he did then there would be a whole game based around the exciting journey I took to the kitchen to grab more fattening snack food while playing a more exciting video game. There's no level where you sit by the door waiting for the FedEx guy to show up with some crappy game for me to review. I didn't play a bonus game where I had to flip through every issue of Sega Visions just to come up with one crappy article. Greendog does not represent me.

And the idea that he is the protector of pop culture is positively loony. I don't even know where he would come up with something like that. This isn't Family Guy; he's not reminding everybody about lame 1980s references. Instead he runs through generic levels fighting shellfish. If he's the man tasked with protecting pop culture, then I fear that pop culture is in very bad shape. I know that Ric Green is a biased source, but I still don't believe him.

Reality: Oh Sega, how long are you going to perpetrate this lie? To be fair to the magazine, Sega Visions printed this response back in 1993, years before everybody knew "Blast Processing" was just a marketing term. It was during this time that Sega's blast processing commercials were still on TV and in magazine advertising, so what else do you expect the editors of Sega Visions to say? Still, I can't help but be disappointed by this outright fraudulent response. And to make fun of Mario in the process? Sega Visions, you should be ashamed of yourselves.

Let's just make one thing clear from the get-go: Blast processing was a marketing term. For Sega of America technical director Scott Bayless admitted just that in an interview with Damien McFerran. "During the run up to the Mega CD ... I mentioned the fact that you could just "blast data into the DACs". [The PR guys] loved the word "blast" and the next thing I knew "Blast Processing" was born." So, to answer the original question, blast processing is not real. It's a marketing term that is being used to promote Sonic, Ecco, Jurassic Park and Kid Chameleon.

What's more, most of the games mentioned are no speedier than your average Mario game. In fact, I wouldn't be surprised if Super Mario World is a whole lot faster than Ecco the Dolphin. The insult at the end is just classless. Mario may not be the fastest mascot character on the block, but his games are monumental and full of excellent level designs. If you're going to throw insults back and forth, at least make sure that what you're saying is factually correct.

Reality: Do remember a few quotes ago when Sega Visions was publically ridiculing Electronic Gaming Monthly? At least what EGM was doing was news reporting and not just regurgitating Sega's own press releases. Much of this introduction to The Activator story is taken directly from Sega's press releases, the same ones they gave out at the consumer electronic trade shows. This brief quote is no exception. Perhaps that's why I have such a hard time believing Sega Visions.

Like the cake, The Activator is a lie. This is not a machine that maps your every move and replicates it on screen. This is a machine that maps all of the buttons on the control to an accessory that works like an invisible control. There's no need to make a punching motion, all you have to do is trigger the "A" button. You don't have to physically jump; you just have to wave your hand over the "B" button. In fact, jumping straight up won't actually work. Again, the device does not track your movements, but rather what button you press.

And that's what makes this article so egregious. The picture accompanying this story shows a guy leaping in the air to pull off moves, but that's not how you use this device. This write-up talks about dancing and air kicking your way to a more immersive experience. But that's not really how the control works. And perhaps Sega Visions would know this if they spent time previewing it and not just reprinting press releases. Not only does this article outright lie about how the accessory works, but it is offensive from a journalistic point of view.

Reality: Surf Ninjas? Does anybody actually remember this movie? Any game that uses a Sega Game Gear to predict the future sounds dubious, so why should I believe this is even a real movie? It turns out that Surf Ninjas is indeed a real movie, a major summer release with an impressive all-star cast. Okay, it's not an impressive all-star cast, but it does have Rob Schneider, Tone Loc and Leslie Nielsen. The trailer makes it look like a cheesy Saturday Night Live parody, but I'm ready to accept that Surf Ninjas is a real movie. But Sega Visions, you're not out of the weeds yet. Because the validity of this movie is the only thing I'm ready to believe about this quote.

So here we have the movie's producer, Evzen Kolar, talking about how big Surf Ninjas is going to be. It's a big summer movie with real actors, big action and ... Sega! It's "up against some anticipated blockbusters," he says. But anybody that knows anything about summer blockbusters knows that the real anticipated movies are the ones that come out earlier in the year. Take this summer as an example. We started with Star Trek, a long-delayed franchise reboot that managed to get new and old fans interested in the series again. Hollywood followed that up with Terminator 4 and Transformers 2. By the time we made it to August we were stuck with G.I. Joe: The Rise of Cobra, a movie the studio didn't even screen to critics. Does anybody honestly believe that G.I. Joe could have gone head-to-head with any one of those June/July releases? Of course not, that's why it's stuck in August.

And what's this crap about getting a 97.0? Perhaps that number means something else, but I certainly hope he's not trying to tell us that the average score was 97 out of 100. Not even the greatest movies of all time get that kind of ratings ... especially from three different age groups. With just over 3,000 votes, the Internet Movie Database has the average Surf Ninja score stuck at 4.2. To compare, The Godfather or The Shawshank Redemption, IMDB's two top rated movies, both average a 9.1, just off of that 97.0 this guy it talking about. And Sega is one of the things people like the most about the movie? Give me a break. Sega Visions, I don't believe you!

Reality: I'm just going to come out and say it this time: Sega Visions, I don't believe you! There is no way that this is a real letter. And even in the very slim chance than it is, there's no reason to run it. Are you telling me that you've answered every burning questions and have too much room left over? You don't have another letter about blast processing or The Activator? Come on, I don't believe that for a second. Maybe you can answer a letter about how each magazine says $3.95 (or $3.50, depending on the era), but anybody that calls the 1-800 number gets the magazine sent to them for free.

And what does he mean "S.V. rules and so do you?" Isn't the "you" in that sentence Sega Visions? Isn't that just "Sega Visions rules and so does Sega Visions"? That makes no sense. But the topper is when he suggests that this is the best magazine, as if anybody is believing this. Have you actually read Sega Visions? It's a tiny magazine full of advertising and bad journalism. Their reviews are indecipherable and there's very little "real" reporting. It's a sad, sad magazine that most people like because it's free. Oh. Maybe that's why they are the best, because he's not reading any other magazines. In that case, maybe this letter actually is real. Sega Visions, I believe you!