December 1993: What is this Star Wars you speak of?
I've never been a big fan of Holiday Buyer's Guide. These days it feels like every magazine and website tries to outdo the competition with unbearably dull lists of good games and hardware you should look out for. They treat their readers like morons, assuming that everybody has the attention span of a gnat. Instead of shooting for creativity, each and every holiday guide is the same, and none of them are worth looking at.
For years I've held this unpopular opinion. I've been too afraid to say it out loud, since any time you say anything bad about Christmas Bill O'Reilly sends out his secret police to put you in your place. But recently I came across a 16 year old buyer's guide that was both entertaining and educational. It's a small guide published in the December 1993 edition of Game Players magazine. It's the TechTalk's Hot Ten, a list of the hardware that they are "hoping to get for the holidays."
As I scanned this article I was struck by one thing - very little about this Hot Ten list made any sense. Outside of the suggestion of batteries (seriously, batteries?), I found myself confused by everything I saw on this list. It was as if the good people at the North Carolina-based Game Players decided to just list random crap and hope that nobody noticed. But I did notice ... 16 years later. So, in order to celebrate the upcoming holiday season I've decided to pick apart each and every one of Game Players' gift suggestions. It's a little something I like to call Game Players' Worst Holiday List Ever!
#10 - You Don't Speak For George Lucas!
"A Surround Sound Digital Home Theater: Watch that laserdisc boxed set of Star Wars the way it was meant to be seen. A few grand and it's yours."
Reality:
Context is important here, so make sure and remember that this was written back in 1993. The picture that accompanies this quote is of a big screen 4x3 standard definition TV and five tiny
Now THIS is the way Star Wars was meant to be seen!
speakers. It was, as they explained in the description, the top of the line audio/video experience, one that cost thousands and thousands of dollars.
But here's the thing, I don't care what year this was written in, a 50 inch standard definition TV with five tiny speakers is NOT the way Star Wars was meant to be seen. When George Lucas was working on his 1977 cultural phenomenon, I don't believe that he was picturing your living room as the ideal location for a movie premiere. No, he was envisioning a giant theater screen. That puny little TV and surround sound set-up isn't the way Star Wars was meant to be seen, it was the way that the Star Wars Holiday Special was meant to be seen. So save your thousands and thousands of dollars, because in a few years you'll thank me when you invest that money into DVDs, Blu-rays and HDTVs.
#9 - It Also Plays Master System Games!
"Game Gear: Portable color for under $100. Need we say more?"
Reality:
Actually yes, you do need to say more. You need to explain that this product you're recommending is on its last legs. Sure the system is under $100, but that's because it was unable to secure enough
You might need to say more about this model!
market share to warrant a higher price. Worse yet, by the end of 1993 third party companies had abandoned ship and even Sega was starting to slow down the amount of games they published for the portable. It's all downhill from here, that's something Game Players could have reminded their audience.
It's also worth pointing out that $100 in 1993 is equal to $150 in today's dollar, so this recommendation isn't even a good deal. These days you can pick up the Nintendo DSi for roughly the price of this discount-priced Game Gear. By 1993 neither Sega nor its third parties were able to develop any must-own titles that took the world by storm, what made this magazine think that 1994 was going to be different? Gamers were better off just waiting for the various Pocket and Color Game Boy products, at least you can name a few must-own games for the Game Boy.
#8 - A Good Stocking Stuffer!
"Millennium Rechargeable: Perfect for handhelds and all kinds of gadgets. Retail price varies."
Reality:
Game Players didn't know this at the time, but it was about to get a lot worse before it got better. In 1993 the only thing you needed batteries for was the Game Boy and Game Gear, it's not like gamers
This collection of batteries will power the Nomad for around six hours!
were investing their time in wireless controls. However, not long after publishing this issue Sega unleashed their Nomad, a handheld device that ate up six AA batteries in less than an hour. From there we started to see wireless controls, wireless nunchuks, wireless guitars and much, much more. While wired controls still exist (thanks to Microsoft), the push is clearly towards wireless accessories.
But there's good news. These days you can't find a handheld game system that uses traditional AA batteries. The Sony PlayStation 3 also doesn't use this type of battery, instead opting for an internal Lithium battery. And both Nintendo and Microsoft offer charging kits to alleviate the need for Millennium Rechargeable. While that's definitely a start, there's no doubt that this holiday suggestion is still cogent 16 years later.
#7 - Mail Order Madness!
"Pro-Action Replay: Find your codes in any SNES, Genesis or Sega CD game. Sorry, but it kicks Game Genie's butt! Call [Phone Number Redacted] for ordering information; available only by mail."
Reality:
Holy crap, the Pro-Action Replay was so good that they didn't even sell it in stores. And it kicks the butt of the Game Genie? This sounds like the greatest thing ever. Well, don't get too
How is it possible that Konami has ignored the Rocket Knight Adventures for all these years?
excited, because I'm not about to get in the middle of a fight between the Game Genie and the Pro-Action Replay. Those people can fight it out over there in the corner while nobody pays attention to them. After all, you're a loser no matter which side you choose.
Instead of spending even one second debating which cheat device is king, I would like to take a few moments to offer a few interesting facts about this December 1993 issue of Game Players magazine. Did you know that the best reviewed game that month Rocket Knight Adventures? It scored a 9 (out of 10). Something called Magic Boy came in second, with a score of 8. The lowest score was Cliffhanger for the Super NES, they gave it a 4. Out of the 17 reviews found in the magazine, nine are for games based on licensed movies and toys. And best of all, Game Players reports that Super Mario 5 is set for a summer 1994 release and Zelda V (yes, V) will allow you to play "between four and ten characters". And did I mention that each character gets their own ending? No wonder Zelda V is regarded as such a classic. And did I mention that Zelda III came out in 1992? I'm not sure why that's important.
#6 - The Activator STILL Sucks
"Sega's Activator: If Santa's bringing it -- I'm taking it! It's the next level of game control, and retails for $20."
Reality:
If the Sega Activator was the "next level of gaming control," then According to Jim was the funniest show on TV. And if that's the case, then clearly Gigli was the second greatest movie of
My goal is to just use this picture in every article I write from now on!
all time, right behind the amazing Battlefield Earth. I also don't know why everybody was so excited about The Beatles: Rock Band when Guitar Hero: Aerosmith was clearly the greatest music game on the market. Also, did I mention that there's nothing better than smoking meth while driving a school bus in the 130 degree weather? Seriously, the Activator MUST be the greatest product ever.
Of course, the truth is that the Activator is rubbish. And the sad thing is, Game Players knew it. They took part in the very same Consumer Electronic Show demonstration that I saw in Las Vegas, there are pictures of them using it. Nobody that has actually spent any time with the Activator truly believes that it's the "next level of game control." Maybe it's the next level in huge Frisbees, but it's definitely nowhere near the next level of gaming. In fact, I would say it's several levels back. While the NES control didn't have any fancy lasers, at least it did was it was supposed to. Nothing about the Activator worked like it should, which makes me seriously question the veracity of Game Players' claims. If this is what the editors thought the future of gaming looked like, then they must have had an extremely bleak outlook on the future.
#5 - Don't Settle for a Game Pad!
"Sega's Six-Button Controller: A must for fighting game fans. Retails for $20."
Reality:
1993 saw the release of Street Fighter II: Special Champion Edition and the inevitable control to play it with. This six-button pad offered the exact same layout as the Street Fighter arcade cabinet, all in a small and ergonomic package. This $20 control seems like the perfect gift for any hardcore fighting game fan on your holiday shopping list. But not so fast, Game Players. Assuming you're going to suggest the very best control for fighting game fans (and we have to assume that given the rest of the choices), why not go for the considerably more appropriate Six-Button Arcade Stick? This impressive control features the same layout as the pad, only now with larger buttons and a joystick that feels similar to its arcade counterpart. Both Capcom and Sega had their own models, one of which is considered a collector's item these days. The pad isn't a terrible substitute (it beats the hell out of using the original three-button control), but there's not a Street Fighter II fan alive that would rather have dinky pad when they could beat up fools with an arcade stick. And that's a fact.
#4 - The Super NES is $79?
"Super Nintendo Entertainment System: "The best play here"? Well, we don't know, but Mario sure does! A system with one controller sells for $79."
Reality:
The Mario he's referring to was the then just-released Super Mario All-Stars, a collection of four 8-bit platformers upgraded
I bet you didn't know that the Super NES CD gave the original system special floating capabilities!
with 16-bit sensibilities. While the Super NES is ranked higher than the Activator, Sega's Six-Button Control or the Pro Action Replay, I can't help but notice a genuine lack of enthusiasm in this description. The write-up starts by disparaging Nintendo's ad campaign and then simply goes on to list the price point. Maybe I'm alone, but there's something wholly unconvincing about this description.
The least they could do is give people real, honest to goodness reasons to buy a Super NES. Clearly it's not for the remakes of 8-bit games, so what is it? Maybe Game Players could have brought up all of the triple-A role-playing games (Final Fantasy III was on the horizon and Enix had some solid releases). Or what about the fact that Street Fighter II was best (and first) on the Super NES? Or they could bring up the Super NES CD-ROM. Actually, on second thought, maybe it's best they avoided that subject. Either way, they could have made this sale a lot more convincing.
#3 - You've Gotta Have One of These!
"Genesis: You've gotta have one of these to play Sega CD."
Reality:
Well, they aren't wrong. So, what's the point? Here again is another description that fails to give you a solid reason why you should ask for this product. Had they
Not even these busty babes care about Second Life!
combined the Sega Genesis and Sega CD into one combo, then maybe we would have had room for something truly amazing (like a game or a Neo Geo or something). But instead Game Players tells us that we "gotta have one of these to play Sega CD," as if that is going to be the deciding factor.
The truth is that I'm secretly jealous that Game Players gets away with such shoddy write-ups. I wish that I could write reviews in such a simple and succinct manner. Sony's PlayStation 3: You've gotta have one of these to play Metal Gear Solid 4. A fake plastic guitar: You've gotta have one of these to play Guitar Hero. A lobotomy: You've gotta have one of these to enjoy Second Life. And so on so forth. I can definitely see how this kind style could come in handy; I would certainly make more deadlines, that's for sure. The truth is that the Genesis IS great and well worth owning ... but not because you have to own it to play the Sega CD!
#2 - A Sega CD 2 Far!
"A Sega CD 2: Games like Sewer Shark are a link to the past. AH-3 Thunderstrike, Silpheed, and Rebel Assault make a CD worth the money, and that snazzy new design really cooks! Retails for about $200."
Reality:
AH-3 Thunderstrike? Silpheed? Rebel Assault? You know what all three of these games have in common? They are overhyped shooters for the Sega CD. Clearly the Game Players staff had shoot-em-ups on their mind, which makes me wonder why they didn't bother to mention Sol Feace or
It's a shame that Game Players didn't have a chance to gush over the Sega CDX ... I hear it really cooks!
any of the countless other shooters that made their way to the Sega CD. And all that stuff about how the new design "cooks"? Give me a break. I love the Sega CD as much (if not more) than the next guy, but you know something's wrong when Rebel Assault is the shining example why you should buy a system.
What's shocking is that Game Players recommends the Sega CD over the Super NES. Now don't get me wrong, I was a faithful early Sega CD adopter and can defend the system long past anybody cares to listen, but even I knew in 1993 that the end was near. Sega was already talking about both a 32-bit console (which would eventually become the Saturn) and a 32-bit peripheral for the Genesis (which would eventually become the Sega 32X). It's not like Sega's best CD games were ahead of them, if anything we only saw a few minor releases and a couple of cult hits released after this magazine was published. This is the kind of excitement you would expect for the Super NES; at least that system had a future beyond 1994.
#1 - For Those Who Can't Wait!
"A 3DO Machine: Sure it's $700, but the buzz about the system and the games make the curiosity factor plenty high."
Reality:
So let me get this right, the number one thing on your Christmas wish list is a ... 3DO? I bet nobody ever made that mistake again! As a business idea I'll give creator Trip Hawking credit, it's not often you see three different companies making the exact same hardware. And maybe
Nope, not even Way of the Warrior was worth the $700 asking price for the 3DO hardware!
all of this competition would have worked had the games been there to make people actually want this console. But from the get-go there were no killer apps and too much emphasis placed on edutainment. Like the CD-i (which is mysteriously absent from this crummy list), the 3DO spent too much time trying to convince non-gamers that it was the system of the future. Had they addressed their core audience (and had a price point that wasn't $700) we might still be talking about this machine 16 years later.
Look, I understand the thinking behind this decision. This issue was being developed at the exact same time that the 3DO was first starting to show up on store shelves. The excitement level was through the roof, especially with the videos of Madden, Way of the Warrior and other stunning games were making the rounds. But there's no excuse for recommending something that you haven't actually played and have no experience with. If you're going to recommend a $700 console, then why not point at the Neo Geo? Sure it's expensive, but at least you could still buy games for the system a decade later. That's a lot more than I can say about the 3DO. Great suggestion, Game Players.
