Lately there has been a lot of talk about the "new" GamePro. With John Davison (former editor at 1up) taking the top job at GamePro, the industry is abuzz about what major changes will be made. History shows us that every time a new boss takes over GamePro, the magazine radically changed directions. The question is: What will Davison do? Will he add more in depth coverage about the games industry? Will he clean up the magazine's laughably bad review standards? Will he finally turn this publication into something an adult can feel proud of buying?

Who knows what the future holds, but if I had my way I would tell John to bring back the cheesy puns that made GamePro so popular in the first place. Younger GamePro fans wouldn't know this, but there was a time (early in the magazine's life) where they would go out of their way to wrap every review up with some sort of pun on the game's title or character. These puns were often groan-inducing, often so bad that it's hard to believe anybody thought it was a good idea in the first place.

Yet, now that I'm older and look back at these puns, I appreciate what GamePro was trying to do. It's as if the editors at GamePro realized how poor their reviews were and that they needed something (anything!) to get your mind off the mediocre writing. The plan worked. In the moments where I would be lamenting about the lack of details and poor sentence structure in the review, I would be too busy cringing at these horrible, terrible, no-good puns. Don't believe me? Over the next few pages I have compiled a list of 50 of the best (and worst) final paragraphs in GamePro history. See if you can make it through these catastrophes without reaching for the Advil.

Atomic Runner (Genesis): "Warm up your trigger fingers for this one! You'll burn more than a few molecules getting to and past the final battle. This cart is a cross between Strider and Sonic the Hedgehog. If that mutant pairing makes your Geigers count, you'll love Atomic Runner."

Batman Returns (Lynx): "Batman Returns stars your favorite characters true to form. (No, Michelle Pfieffer isn't packed in the box). Despite its somewhat monotonous gameplay, it's still worth Batting around."

Bio-Hazard Battle (Genesis): It's major thumb blister time! Bio-Hazard Battle is one of the best shoot-em-ups to come flying into the Genesis in awhile. The graphics are stunning, and the action's cunning. Even the sound is big league stuff. Missing out on Bio-Hazard will be a major disaster."

Black Hole Assault (Sega CD): "If you think buying a Sega CD makes you some sort of sophisticated gamer, you need to get down and dirty with Black Hole Assaut. This hard-hitting fighting game serves up a major slice of compact disc humble pie. Serious Sega robo-warriors will want to assault this CD."

Bubsy: Claws Encounters of the Furred Kind (Super NES): "Bubsy is a must for any gamer's library. Hot on the trail of Sonic the Hedgehog (in fact, a Genesis version is due soon), this cat really moves! He may not be as fast as Sonic, but he definitely has a lot more purrrr-sonality."

Chuck Rock (Genesis): "Take a walk on the wild side with Chuck Rock. This game's worth the bucks for the music and graphics alone. You won't be disappointed. Move over Rolling Stones, the real roots of rock and roll are here."

Chuck Rock (Game Gear): "Chuck Rock's unique concept, whimsical look and innovative gameplay make it extremely enjoyable. Get stoned with Chuck Rock."

Contra Force (NES): "Konami had an awesome video game formula that worked in Contra and Super C. For whatever reason, Contra Force strays from the path and pays the price. May the Force be without you."

Crue Ball (Genesis): "Your challenge is a tough one, especially in the higher levels, where the Wall is guarded heavily. As they say, practice makes perfect. If you want to make the band, you better start with those flippers, son."

Cyborg Justice (Genesis): "Cyborg Justice makes you pay for your fun, but it's worth the effort. Learning the moves is frustrating. Once you get 'em down, though, the far-out fighting is all that's left. The two-player Duel mode is this game's strength. Is there no justice for this cart? Only for Cyborgs."

Dr. Franken (Game Boy): "It's a good thing that this game is frustratingly fun, because you'll need multiple supplies of AAA batteries to rebuild Bitsy. Dr. Franken is a must have for your classic horror collection. So, go to your local graveyard and dig up a monsterously [sic] good time."

The Fantastic Adventure of Dizzy (NES): "Humpty Dumpty would be proud. Dizzy's a surprisingly egg-citing game. The graphics, sound and gameplay are above average, and the bonus areas are challenging. The Yolkfolk of Zakeria are ready to egg you on, get cracking!"

Heavy Nova (Genesis): "Heavy Nova fights a good fight. This game is definitely original with a complex storyline. The game does get repetitive, so the two-player feature is a definitely plus. If you're into heavy metal martial arts, check out Heavy Nova."

Hillsfar (NES): "This is a tough call. Hillsfar is a great concept that trips on execution. 8-bit RPG nuts will definitely enjoy the captivating quests, but only adventurers with extremely patient and forgiving natures need take to the Hills'."

Home Alone (Super NES): "Although gameplay and challenge fall short in comparison with more demanding 16-bit titles like Super Mario World, fans of Bart vs. the Space Mutants for the NES will enjoy the easy-going style of Home Alone. If you're Home Alone you might find this one's a steal."

Hydra (Lynx): "Don't miss the boat! Hydra showcases the Lynx's superb scaling abilities and extensive color palette. The smooth animation, well-rendered graphics and extremely responsive controls create the stomach-wrenching illusion of slicing through the waters at breakneck speeds. Go ahead, get wet with Hydra."

It Came from the Desert (TurboGrafx-CD): "This game definitely has more than a few bugs in it -- which is great! It Came from the Desert is guaranteed to make you bug-eyed."

James Pond II - Code Name: Robocod (Genesis): "James Pond II is no thumb-buster, and its cutesy graphics will have great appeal to younger gamers or the terminally sweet. However, saving Santa's toys really pumps your brain. There's something fishy going on here, and that's a good thing."

Joe and Mac (Super NES): "Joe and Mac is looking pretty strong coming out of the SNES starting gate. Join the prehistoric "club" and take a peek into the past with Joe and Mac."

Kid Chameleon (Genesis): "One of the hottest Genesis action [games] to hit the Winter's Consumer Electronics Show, this Kid is sure to give you your money's worth. Hey, would we kid you?"

King Arthur's World (Super NES): "If you're looking for a face-paced puzzle game, chances are you'll become frustrated with the slow pace of this game. However, if you want an intriguing strategic puzzler that requires creative thinking, journey into King Arthur's World. You'll want to play it day and knight."

King Salmon (Genesis): "If you like fishing, or think you may, then you'll get hooked on King Salmon. If not, tackle another cart."

Kirby's Dream Land (Game Boy): "Kirby's Dream Land will make your Game Boy dreams come true with great graphics, a fresh gameplay concept and hours of fun. Suck it up and take on this adventure! It'll blow you away."

LHX Attack Chopper (Genesis): "LHX Attack Chopper is a highflying Genesis combat flight sim. If you're a real video pilot, you're used to polygon graphics. So, fire this cart up and blast some sand. Have you got the chops for Attack Chopper?"

The Lost Vikings (Super NES): "The Lost Vikings looks and feels a lot like Gods, another great action/adventure/puzzle game for the SNES. Help the boys make it home, because the Vike you save just may be your own."

The Lucky Dime Caper starring Donald Duck (Game Gear): "Cutesy graphics have that timeless Disney charm, and Donald's always a "quazy" character, especially when he's blowing his lid. What else is there to say -- the Lucky Dime Caper is just ducky."

The Magical Quest starring Mickey Mouse (Super NES): "With the help of Disney, Capcom has created an irresistible game. The graphics and animation are outstanding. There's enough playability and depth to keep gamers of all skill levels entertained. After defeating the final boss in this game, there's only one thing to say, 'I'm going to Disneyland!'"

Magic Sword (Super NES):
"If you've got a yen for a good dose of arcade-style hack 'n slash, Magic Sword's the ticket. Grab your sword and get ready to make some magic."

Miracle Piano Teaching System (NES): "I peeked ahead again so I know that if I practice, I'll be able to play "La Bamba." And of course, once I get that good I can use my Miracle piano with any sheet music I like. Hey, maybe I'll even present my first recital, sweaty palms and all, during the lunch hour at the GamePro offices -- now that would be a Miracle indeed."

Night Trap (Sega CD): "Even non-Sega CD gamers should check out Night Trap to see the Sega CD's potential. The game is fascinating to watch, very entertaining, moderately challenging and easy to play. More importantly, unattached, beautiful females between the ages of 16 and 19 need you! In the meantime, GamePros, heed this GUTS command: If you wander into Night Trap, look out for the Boogie Man!

Pool of Radiance (NES): "Don't dive into Pool or Radiance with your eyes closed. The graphics and sound are pretty weak. The manual reads like the Tibetan Book of the Dead and is harder to understand than calculus. If your idea of a fun afternoon is figuring out dexterity levels as opposed to personality alignments, then by all means jump feet first into this Pool."

Quackshot (Genesis): "If you're looking for a show stopper along the lines of Castle of Illusion, that's a million times harder even with unlimited continues but has more fun junk to do, run don't waddle to buy Quackshot. Even if you don't find Garuzia's Treasure, you'll have a Genesis treasure of your very own."

Rolling Thunder 2 (Genesis): "Rolling Thunder 2 keeps it simple. Shoot, duck, jump and shoot some more -- it's a tried and true formula that scores again here. Ninja Gaiden, Strider, Shinobi -- you can't keep a good action game down, they just keep rolling along -- like Rolling Thunder 2."

Run Saber (Super NES): "Strider fans will want this clone for their trophy shelf, even though Run Saber's four short levels mean even intermediate gamers will slash through it in no time at all. This RUN is no marathon, but it makes a great sprint."

ShapeShifter (TurboDuo): "This CD looks like an action/adventure game that every hardcore video adventurer will want to play. ShapeShifter could be the shape of things to come."

Snow Bros., Jr. (Game Boy): "If you liked Snow Brothers for the NES, you'll enjoy this very similar Game Boy game. Sit back and put this one on ice."

Sol-Deace (Genesis): "Despite these minor quibbles, Renovation's latest will be a contender when the '92 shoot-em-up awards roll around. Don't think twice about selling your soul to Sol-Deace!"

Splatterhouse 2 (Genesis): "If you've ever wanted to seek revenge on all those early childhood closet monsters, now's your chance to do it vicariously through Splatterhouse 2. Good to the last splat."

Steel Empire (Genesis): "Flying Edge's first foray into the Genesis arena soars as a more than respectable shooter. This original shooter is just plain fun. We suggest you steel yourself for battle."

Streets or Rage (Game Gear): "Streets of Rage is nonstop finger-pumping action -- definitely the hottest street brawl for the Game Gear to date. Sharp graphics, smooth animation and intense challenge guarantee this cart will be all the Rage!"

Super Adventure Island (Super NES): "Despite a few minor flaws [...] fans of the original classic game and its sequels will find this island adventure's a real trip."

Super Turrican (Super NES): "If you like your action hot and heavy, Super Turrican delivers. Secret levels and hidden bonuses ensure that the fun never stops. Will you beat the Machine? If you can't, Turri-can!"

Switchblade II (Lynx): "If you can't live without great graphics and music, then Switchblade II doesn't cut it. But if you just need to cut loose, grab this addicting, but not intense, game. Take a stab at Switchblade II."

Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles II: Back from the Sewers (Game Boy): "TMNT II is a rough ridin', hard knockin', terrifyingly terrific Game Boy cart! Whether you're a novice ninja or an experience martial artist, the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles will cowabunga you into blissful oblivion."

Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles IV: Turtles in Time (Super NES): "No doubt about it, SNES owners everywhere will want to "shell" out the sheckles for this cart."

Uncharted Waters (NES) "This ship sprang a few leaks on the way to the swirling oceanic unknown. It still floats, but, as Columbus showed, it takes a committed captain to last the journey."

Universal Soldier (Genesis): War is tiring, and so is this game. Video game veterans may find there's enough exploring to keep them active as a Universal Soldier for at least a couple of tours of duty. You may find that being a Universal Soldier is just not that Damme exciting."

Wonder Boy in Monster World (Genesis): "Wonder Boy in Monster World is a winner for any system. The graphics are colorful and cute. The music is pleasant and calming. Make sure you have a couple hours, if not days, to spend travelling with Wonder Boy in Monster World. You'll have a monsterously [sic] good time."

World of Illusion starring Mickey Mouse & Donald Duck (Genesis): "Mickey and Donald are in a World of trouble this time, and that's good news for you. If you dig Disney, go for it. Have no illusions, this is a good game."

Zombies Ate My Neighbors (Super NES): "If you went to the drive-in just to watch the movie ... okay, you're lame ... but at least you're someone who can best appreciate the spirit of this cart. You'll have a ghoulishly good time. Zombies Ate My Neighbors is the best thing to happen since ... well, zombies ate my neighbors!"