Welcome to 30 Ridiculous Retro Rumors, a brand new series that will run daily between November 26 and December 25, 2015. This is a series where we debunk some of the craziest rumors and predictions of all time. Today we're taking a break from bad video game gossip to look at Alien 3. Quartermann was so excited at the prospect of a new Alien sequel that he decided to come up with a series of awful predictions. See for yourself in the third episode of 30 Ridiculous Retro Rumors.


This is a real rumor taken directly from the February 1991 issue of Electronic Gaming Monthly ...


We already know Electronic Gaming Monthly was bad at video game gossip, but they also had an abysmal batting average at predicting movie plots. Case and point, the only way to make this Alien 3 synopsis less accurate would be to add One Direction and the Nyan Cat to the mix.

Let's go through the story beats in Alien 3. Ripley lands on a prison colony, shaves her head, puts up with a lot of sexism, almost gets raped, finds out she brought an alien with her, bands together with the convicts and ultimately throws herself into a pit of lead to avoid passing on another generation of Xenomorphs. It's a dark chapter that received largely mixed reviews at the time, but helped catapult David Fincher to bigger and better things.

On one hand, Quartermann got his wish -- Alien 3 does not take place on LV 426. I'm not sure the prison planet is a big improvement, but the change of scenery is certainly welcome. Unfortunately, he whiffs on every other detail. They don't venture to the alien's planet, there aren't space marines and who the hell is Biotech? At least he didn't predict a wooden planet, because that would have been ridiculous.