Defunct Games celebrates the holiday season by looking at bad and cheesy Christmas-themed advertising from the 1980s and 90s. Enjoy a soothing Christmas carol that makes you question everything you thought you knew about Santa, Sonic, Sega and even skiing. Toss in Konami's best, a bunch of Nyko accessories and Cheetahman and you have the closest thing this channel will get to a holiday miracle.




It's the day before Christmas and here I am working,
Just thinking about my friends and the jobs they are shirking.
But instead of feeling down, depressed and upset,
I pour through old magazines to help cleanse my palette.
Here's EGM, here's GamePro and some Next Generation,
Just spreading them out all over my workstation.
And that's when I notice all the holiday-themed advertising,
Like this Light Boy advert that demands analyzing.
Here we see Santa sucked into a game,
And when he forgets to deliver all those presents, we'll know what's to blame.
Santa's a bit of a gamer, a fact you can see,
He also rocks, eats cookies and hogs your TV.
And then there are those times when he lights his butt on fire,
The fact that he's survived this long is something I have to admire.
He's also a virgin, though I could be misreading,
He'll give you free games, but even that is misleading.
Hey, don't mess with Santa when he looks like a cat,
No, I'm serious, just let him keep his hat.
These presents from Konami are in desperate need of wrapping,
And is it my imagination or is this Sega Channel ad endorsing kidnapping?
Here we see a snowman afraid of that jerk Spyro,
His chances of survival are pretty much zero.
There's a cat in this snowman and that's probably cute,
Unless it's that cheetah dressed up like Santa from earlier, then you should definitely scoot.
I mean run, flee, get away if you can,
Even if that means hanging out with screaming kids, your folks and the rest of the clan.
I made a list of what I want, but it's all outdated junk,
The Grinch made a list too, but clearly he was drunk.
Nyko recommends ornaments that will weigh down your tree,
While Game Shock gives us Sonic and suggests he can ski.
On the topic of skiing, you should check out this lift,
Shop early, save money and be a little thrift.
We could probably talk about snowboarding games like Amped and Gex 3,
But those have about as much to do with Christmas as a duck named Daffy.
And to the people out there who will complain that these ads are shit,
I want you to take Midway's advice, and go ahead and stuff it.

Happy holidays everybody and thank you for supporting Defunct Games.