This Week In Defunct Games - June 7, 2007

What Is It? It's the "bad" Zelda game. Okay, so it's not the worst 8-bit Nintendo game of all time, but Zelda II is far from the classics that followed and preceded it. For one thing, this is not an overhead action/adventure game, all of the real action and adventuring is done as a 2D sidescroller, which is completely different from any other entry in the series. Zelda II is also the game that introduced the series to experience points and leveling up, something that made it feel more like a role-playing game than anything else. But while this game has a few good ideas, Zelda II is overwhelmed by questionable decisions. For example, why does Link have the smallest sword imaginable? You would be better off using one of those miniature golf pencils to kill enemies than this dinky little sword. And why does it feel like there's a random encounter (which you can see coming, but can't do anything about) every few seconds? These battles only slow the pacing of the game down. When it comes down to it Zelda II never feels right, it's not a bad game by any means, but it's far from the amazing adventures that Zelda fans are accustomed to playing.

Does It Still Hold Up? The Zelda series has this funny way about them where they seem to hold up, no matter how many years pass. The original Legend of Zelda is still one of the greatest games of all time, and who is going to dismiss the quality of Zelda III and Ocarina of Time? But Zelda II doesn't hold up, the ideas and "innovations" in this entry are either bad or completely outdated. Things that sound like they should be cool (like the leveling system) turn out to be more trouble than their worth, and the story in this 1988 game is incredibly disappointing. While I do like the idea that Nintendo decided to experiment with the franchise, there is something to be said for the fact that almost none of the game's innovations were carried over to other entries. There are still things to love in this game, but don't go into Zelda II expecting an adventure that is on par with the rest of the series.

Is It Worth The Money? If you've never played Zelda II then you might want to check it out ... assuming you are able to dial down your expectations a little. This game (which Nintendo is crediting as the 100th Virtual Console title) is only $5, which isn't a bad price for what proves to be a long adventure. If you've already played through all of the Zelda games and Beyond Oasis then feel free to pick this up, but don't expect too much from this 19 year old experiment.

What Is It? Speaking of overhead games with 2D sequels, that's exactly what happened to ToeJam & Earl, Sega's hip-hop heroes. When the first ToeJam & Earl game was released it was a crazy mix of overhead action, random levels, and crazy prize collecting. However, flash forward a few years and we have the sequel, Panic on Funkotron, which turns the game into a somewhat disappointing 2D action game with floaty controls and boring levels designs. This ToeJam & Earl does have one thing going for it; the game is beautiful from beginning to end. While the level designs are somewhat limited (due to the 2D nature of the game), Panic on Funkotron has this cool art style that is very reminiscent of a Dr. Seuss book. It's also a fun two-player experience, since one person can be ToeJam and the other person can be Earl. What's more is that these two characters control differently, which makes this one of the best multiplayer games on the Virtual Console. All in all this ToeJam & Earl game is a lot of fun, but it's hardly the slam dunk that the first game was.

Does It Still Hold Up? Since the game is in 2D this ToeJam & Earl sequel doesn't feel as fresh and original as the first game was. Now it just feels like it's another 2D platformer, only this time with floaty controls that are a little hard to get used to. The graphics and animation have held up well, but the level designs and control haven't. Thankfully this is still a fantastic two-player experience, so if you have a friend who loves quirky hip hop-related games, then Panic on Funkotron is a great way to spend your time.

Is It Worth The Money? The $8 asking price is a bit steep, but the game is long and there's quite a bit of gameplay to enjoy (especially if you have a friend to experience it with). It's also worth noting that this is one of the few Genesis-era games that Sega hasn't ported to a cheap compilation. If you're a big fan of the first ToeJam & Earl game then chances are you'll enjoy this, but it's nowhere near as cool as the original title. Is it worth $8? I would say no, but I definitely know a lot of people that would enjoy it.

What Is It? When I first loaded Milon's Secret Castle up I didn't know what to expect, the title sounded like it should have been about an adventure to find some invisible castle hidden behind tons of enemies, mountains and swamps. Yet the moment I saw the title screen I realized that not only had I played this game before ... but this is one of those NES games I actually own! As I played through the first few levels the memories came flooding back. I remembered blowing (or throwing, whichever you prefer) bubbles to find secret areas, battling relentless monsters, and climbing through the maze-like castle in order to, well, do more climbing through the maze-like castle. Yup, it all came back to me. Then I remembered that this game isn't very fun. At its core all you're doing is looking around rooms in a castle to find keys, doors and hidden items. Unfortunately not all of these things are right out in the open. The trick with this game is that you have to spend a lot of time looking everywhere to find secret doors, items and keys. The problem is that these secrets aren't in the best locations, so you can play for hours and not see where you're supposed to go. Most of the secrets you find are through pure luck, which means that if you're the unlucky type then you could spend entire days going through the castle and not make any progress whatsoever. So what is Milon's Secret Castle? It's a frustrating experience that apparently is extremely easy to forget.

Does It Still Hold Up? Like a lot of twenty year old games, Milon's Secret Castle has a lot of problems that are unforgivable by today's standards. The thing that really kills the experience is the extreme difficulty, especially when it comes to searching the castle for secrets. It's one thing if you want to add secrets in order to find cool bonus items (health, weapons, etc.), but when you're expected to throw bubbles at every single wall because the door or key might be there it just starts to feel like a chore. It's also annoying that the enemies are so aggressive and that you can't do anything about them reappearing. It also would have been nice if the power-ups were actually useful ... but that's just me. All in all, this game isn't all that much fun twenty years later, which is real unfortunate.

Is It Worth The Money? Considering that I owned the game and had forgotten about it, I would say it's not worth the money ... even when it's only $5. Milon's Secret Castle is a different type of action game, but that doesn't mean it's a good action game. Of course, the best part of this franchise is that the Japanese-only sequel has the coolest name ever: Milon's Heart-Pounding, Great Adventure.

What Is It? If there's one thing the TurboGrafx-16 has going in its favor it's the strong caliber of 2D shooters. Already the Virtual Console has demonstrated that the TurboGrafx-16 is a force to be reckoned with in this department. Yet over the past few weeks we've seen one disappointing shooter after another. A couple weeks ago it was Ordyne and now it's Dead Moon. Surely we haven't exhausted all of the great 2D shooters on the system. So this is Dead Moon ... the game, not the popular Portland indie band. Dead Moon is a fairly generic 2D shooter where you blow up oncoming enemies, fight bosses, pick up power-ups, and try your hardest not to get killed in the process. Unfortunately none of the weapons are very interesting, the enemies are pretty weak, and the bosses are atrocious. Some may argue that it's not as bad as Ordyne, but at this point we're just arguing between moldy toast and sewer water.

Does It Still Hold Up? Had this been the first 2D shooter on the Virtual Console it would be one thing, but now that we have Gradius III, R-Type, Soldier Blade and a bunch of other titles, it's hard to be too excited about Dead Moon. The problem here is that this is a terribly generic 2D shooter with no personality; there's just nothing about this game that makes it stand out. I suppose it holds up as well as any other 2D shooter, but there's no question that this is one of the weaker entries in the genre.

Is It Worth The Money? While $6 isn't all that much to spend on a game, Dead Moon just isn't worth that much money. Your money would be better spent on one of the other 2D shooters ... unless you're thinking about spending it on Ordyne. I have to wonder, with all the amazing 2D shooters still waiting to be ported to the Virtual Console, why on Earth did they choose Dead Moon? Where's Thunder Force 3? Where's Air Zonk? Where's Gaiares? Don't bring us crap like Dead Moon unless you plan on also giving us one of these great games soon after!