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Islam Based Videogames Wage Jihad Against Christian Based Videogames!
Area Man Doesn’t Care What the Score is … as long as he wins
General Akhaboob Warns Against U.S. War with Iraq!
Death Ruled “Suicide” After Week Long Oregon Trail Bender!
Court Orders Microsoft to Split Xbox into Three Parts
There just aren’t enough videogame heroines that wear bras these days
Back Issues:
Vol. 2: Mar. 20, 2k2
Vol. 1: Feb. 08, 2k2
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CDC Seeks Mister Mosquito in West Nile Virus Outbreak
Washington, D.C. --
Center of Disease Control officials announced today that they had a break in the recent outbreak of the West Nile Virus. Investigation has been on-going for the better part of four months, but only recently has evidence started to put the pieces of the puzzle in place. After all these months, Mister Mosquito has been singled out as the number one perpetrator, and could be looking at a rough legal battle ahead of him.
“Once we were able to run tests on isolated infections we were able to mount a case against the culprit” says Carmen Smith, a senior investigator for the Center of Disease Control. “It was mainly do to a family who reported getting the deadly West Nile Virus all at once, and wanted to know what to do about it. Once we were able to get the technology and get a positive I.D. on who was the cause of spreading this disease.”
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NewsPhile Classified Section:
Work Needed --
Are you looking to add swimming to your repertoire of skills? Tired of dying each time you fall into even the shallowest of water? Angry that your friends don’t need to waste all those hard earned continues when they get wet? Well you should be! Swimming is a useful, and easy to accomplish skill. Harvey Tustle can teach you how in three easy steps. Just call 555-SWIM.
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The CDC warns that Mister Mosquito is still armed and extremely dangerous, he could be infecting unsuspecting families just about anywhere in the country. So far only eight states have avoided the wrath of the West Nile Virus, so citizens are to be especially vigilant. “If you come into contact with Mister Mosquito,” warns Carmen Smith, “make sure you do what you can to get rid of that flying menace. It could be for the nations well being.”
Even though Mister Mosquito has yet to turn himself in, his lawyer has issued a statement that reads: “It is unfortunate that the government has taken such drastic measures, but we are sure that once the evidence is out Mister Mosquito will be cleared of all charges.” The memo goes on to make this point, “Scientists across the world have proven that the West Nile Virus is transmitted by the female mosquitoes, and could not be due to Mister Mosquito. We look forward to seeing the governments case.”
The Mister Mosquito case is destined for court, and NewsPhile will be there with all the details as soon as they emerge.
Area man standing in line for Turok: Evolution will “never date again”
San Francisco, CA --
A local Electronics Boutique worker has become a celebrity of sorts after being the first to make fun of the area man camping in the store parking lot. “He’s just been sitting out there for, like, three weeks waiting for Turok 3,” claims Nathan Jacobs, who has only been working for the company all of three months. “The dude will never date again”, he continues, “he’s just sitting out there for the world to see how much of a loser he is.” When asked about his sudden rise to success, Nathan Jacob’s humbly claims that he was “shocked when employs from adjoining stores stopped by just to hear me complain about this Turok 3 dumb ass.”
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